Awaiting New Year

I went out yesterday with a friend of mine in the day and then went to a reunion at night. The reunion was alright considering that I didn't like to get drunk or get laid so I don't actually have much of a conversational topic in common with them. Well the guy that I used to take the bus to and from sixth form was there. He had his hair cut and It's been nearly a year since I had last seem him so I didn't recognise him at all until a while later. It took me even longer to remember his name. He was in my lower year and I practically never really used it. I felt really bad on that but then again I am not really that close to him. I was closer to another guy which I did really bad in not to upset. All in all I felt rather out of place, but everyone talked to me eventually, when they were no longer occupied with that mainly that guy. He is like another friend I know. Amazingly both of them are blonde.....hmmmm?????

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas even if I didn't. My dad dragged my brother out of be at 10am to start revising and in the meantime even when I woke up at 12 I ended up doing my lab writeup on Christmas day only because I was really bored. i saw A Christmas Carol three times over that period. I stopped counting the hours after I reminded myself that Christmas day will never be different to any other day. The first one was a musical which was rather enjoyable then there was the theatrical (film) version and lastly a cartoon one. I had also watched a Mozart Opera on the BBC but I couldn't remember the name. That was rather sweet and not a tragedy like most other opera (what is the plural of opera?) Oh, that Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special was good. I would have loved Zoe and Ian (38) to win but then Colin and Erin got 40 which was impossible to beat. Apart from Matt and Lilia (37)everyone from Series 4 got only 36. (The number in the brackets are their marks from the judges btw). So yeah my Christmas day was spent practically watching tv by myself. I did make the dinner Western Style. I was going to make a pie but the beef didn't soften in time so it was bacon instead. It tasted alright considering I only started doing cooking in February '06 but my brother still complained about carrots again. They are good for the eyes; so they say. Well I like carrots and to be honest there really isn't that many things that I know how to cook.

Boxing day.......just like any other day since my dad arrived. (Did I mention that he left my mum in hk to visit the doctors and have a dental operation, which she is petrified of; not mentioning Christmas Day and all?) I felt miserable since he arrived. I will do as much as a daughter should and that's it. It was the very first time in my life that once I was out I don't want to go home. If I had been any closer to a guy I might have even stayed overnight. One of my best friend (girl) offered but I still shouldn't as it wasn't just staying away that I wanted. My mind kept thinking of my ex-lab partner even though that will never happen. It was possible that he shared similar traits to my brother which made me think of him a lot more than other guys but that's about it I hope. It could also be because I am just trying to get rid of that other guy whom I had been in love with for so long but I will never know. Love is a very strange feeling.

I sent a lot of Merry Christmas messages on Facebook to my friends. Only two responded wishing me the same, well it was Happy New Year for one of them but I sent is on Christmas eve after I met up with my best friends so all are forgiven.

I bumped into a close friend of mine back in Sixth Form. It was really strange. He matured a little, yet he still hadn't changed that much, even in height. It was really weird. We had a little chat but as I was with another friend we kind of kept it short. It was funny though as the friend I was with went to the sixth form for the first 5 years of secondary school while the other friend went only for sixth form but still the same school. It was a very light-hearted moment. I still think it was weird. Like always it was him who recognised me.

First Monday of Christmas Holidays

I have just added this blog to the Facebook. Reasons unknown. I have just realised that I had put real names in the blogs, apologies to those people. I hope they weren't taken as insults. As the things I say here are now going to be known by the people I know or think I know I might just be careful of what I say.

I had taken a Friends game on Facebook about an hour ago. Apart from the ones I have known from KES I hardly know anyone. It didn't stop me playing it anyway. For some of the people on my list my observations actually helped me on that part. (Who says that you can't know a person just by meeting them once?) I ain't a saint so I got half wrong, despite 75% of the people who came up I don't actually know properly.

Some people may wonder why I spend most of my time alone. Or they don't bloody care at all. Don't blame them I ain't that interesting anyway. Okay, here is the reason: I am scared of people. Well I do love them, all shape and sizes, kind and horrible; I might not get along with some but I still love them. I have been hurt by so many that it gets difficult for me to initiate a connection. Then as the time went on I had become so adapted to spending time by myself that it gets even harder to start a new connection in life. But there are some that did develop and had continued. It is hard to get us together now that we are separated but it is still there. Those I am willing to give my life to. Others I will still give them whatever I am capable of, within reason before you think of taking advantage of me.

I am fragile, emotionally, so if you cared to read this or any other things I've written.....
Thank You
As there are someone out there who are interested in what's beneath the fascade, but don't let me know, just leave me as I am. I will regret writing this sometime in the future and you might have become my human firing target.

12 December 2006

Well I have been in the University library for a little more than 2 hours now and there is still 3 more hours to go before my last lecture of the day. Which I honestly think that I might cope without. Anyway, I am exhausted, tired and don't even know why I bother.

I had the most stressful day yesterday as I honestly care about all the work I do and as the final part is teamwork failing because of other people's inability really bugs me. Then in the mist of all my professor tells me that I had not got an offer for my placement year and I should really consult his secretary to follow it up definitely spiced the day up. I was so glad that two of them really are interested in their working output. One of them I worked with to get the newspaper 'product' out, and the other one gave me his work beforehand so it went smoothly. (I panicked in the computer room in the morning as no one turned up. I was hoping to hand the work in just after the lecture finished.) I really hate it when I stress to get things done when others casually leave things for others to complete. Why can't some people be a little more involved?

Anyway, this is really boring me to bits as I still got two and a half hours before that last lecture. I honestly hope that it at least last the full 50 minutes.

First lab day in the Inorganic sector

I woke up really early this morning, 7:05am despite the first alarm going off at 7:00am. Somehow I still end up leaving the house at 8:15am which guarantees that I'd be late. I had been doing that the past few days and walking into the lab 10 minutes late wasn't a really good idea, though I had been prepared for a told off. I might have reached there 5 minutes past the hour but it was pouring in rain and so the traffic was terrible.

I might have mentioned not too long ago about a lab partner. That partnership ended for eternity. The early part of the lab felt awkward but that was about it. I didn't honestly cared, a little certainly as he did compensate for some of my strange anxieties; second pair of eyes on the decisions. I am too clumsy. I nearly ruined my outcome. (I think I already have.) I ended up being the fastest out of my tutor group though not without chaos and confusion. I just don't like taking my time which is really bad. The day ended with me being 10 minutes later than the rest of people doing the same experiment. There would have been plenty of time to reprecipitate if the compound actually dissolved in the usual time of about 5 minutes but it took ages with I-don't-know-how-many-times over the supposed minimum amount and that was with just the acetone. So 5 minutes before the lab session was over I had to rotary evaporate the solution just so that the complex won't racemicize. (ligand rearragement so that polarised light would not be rotated as much as the isolated species.) It wasn't fun. All because I was slightly ahead of everybody else. I don't do it on purpose, I don't think, it is just that I don't like hanging around.

Oh on that matter of lab mishaps I used a 5 inch pipette to draw out liquid of 3 inch depth in a 15 inch height container. If that made sense you would have realised the impossibility of the action. Then there was vacuum dessication of one of my products though only 0.15g was actually needed to go in there. There was also the lack of functioning polarimeters available. The one that I knew how to operate had the sample container missing. Then the ones that did have it don't actually work. I think it was just that our lab teacher don't actually know how to operate it or was it just that I didn't want to use it?? Anyway I had a teasing from my ex-lab partner for the first two mishaps. He seems to be always around to witness it. I hope it is not the other way round though. Well now that I got used to their presence I can actually communicate with them and occassionally joke about but mine are usually unnatural. Well it took my two best friends a whole year to get closer and a further 3 or 4 years to finally understand each other I guess that's just life.

I have a small crush on my ex-lab partner as you may already noticed. Well thinking about my ex-lab partner who is very different to all my previous male encounters certainly put me off thinking about my one sided love for another guy of 3 years. I know I am just a classmate to him but it helps to deter me from thinking about the pain I had. I will pull out eventually but I guess pulling out of the feeling for my ex-lab partner is easier than that other guy so I just let that come and hopefully not show it too much.

Strange Dream

I had a really strange dream last night or the night before that. I was running away with Hannah one of my two best friends. We were holding dearly to a few magnetic stirrer bars which had some sort of secret embedded in it. We were running away frantically across Derbyshire. There were men in suits chasing us. We were exhausted. Hannah wanted to rest but I kept pushing her. Then a familiar scene happened. We were surrounded by a flock of sheeps which somehow helped us get away into a small country alleyway. We carried on running until we reached the top of a field where a farmer was mowing his lawn (don't ask me why he was doing that). He noticed us through a fence and gave us a lift. Me and Hannah were already really tired and agreed. We slept for a while until which point we were nearing a sheltered road with fence and trees around it. We quickly hid the magnetic stirrer bars inside our bra. Then we said our thanks to the farmer and got off at a T-junction of the road. We turned around and walked up that second road. As we reached the highest point two men appeared. I stopped walking. Hannah kept pulling me to go away but I was looking at the tallest man in front of me. It was Jared. A guy who is in my tutor group. Hannah still kept pulling me to go away but I held out my hand and let him put cuffs on me. I somehow trusted him not to harm me and let him take me away. Then I woke up. It is very strange. I am not even close of him. I would say hi to him if I met him but that's about it. It made it very awkward when I see him. It reminds me of this dream which I find really strange. But anyway we got a newspaper to do together for Generic Skills with Vinay, Steven and Daniel.

End of November

Considering that this is the only week in the entire year that we don't have labs, since the first few weeks anyway, I am pretty knackered. I have fallen ill, though I hadn't been fully well since before the exams back in May/June 2006. More to do with the fact that I was trying to define always getting ill after exams.

I have been really confused lately. There is this guy at Uni who was really nice but as I don't have to work with him or be in close circle with him I won't go and talk to him. I have been ignoring him all the rest of last year and early on this academic year. But I have sent him these really strange e-mails. Back at uni things gets really strange. Am I flirting with him?? It feels like I am doing the same thing to a different guy all over again. However, this time I don't like him in the same way as the other guy. What the hell am I doing??

Labs were ok considering that my partner had gone back to his old ways. In the last experiment we split into two experiments. They were almost the exact same, just the reagents were different, and we gone on pretty well. As mine was the shorter one I finished earlier than he did despite starting after him. I am not forgiving him for having a better crude yield though (the cork stand for our round bottom flask somehow gained weight so it was 5 or 6 grams over the original value. As a result I had to give or take for the value). That was fine. He was even more excited when his TLC actually produced perfect results, his never worked last year so most of them were improvised, which I congratulate him as I done most of ours over the past few weeks. I get annoyed so easily. I picked up the NMR on Monday, did them before the tutorial and he decides not to turn up. I really hate witholding information from someone. The problem really lies in I care and he don't. I have always cared if someone working with me didn't do well. I honestly don't know why but it had been going on since primary school!!!!! It just frustrates me. Anyway I talk about him too much. (Oh......He have really red lips, don't ask me why I noticed.....it just stood out....., and he is the same star sign as my little brother. So they really are the same type of people!)

Another early Monday

It is now 8:30am. I had only been waken for half an hour and had to get to uni pretty soon. (I still got my tutorial for last Friday to hand in. It was difficult and my lab write-up was stuck in traffic as the NMR expansion was no where to be seen on Friday the week before and when I went to get it Ed was busy while paddy was away. So much for good coordination.

I had been emotionally knackered over the weekend. I have just asked for my friends' support as I try to drop a guy I had loved for the past three and a half years. We never dated, but I thought (imagined) that we were in love with each other. It was painful. I had even given up the chance of a great boyfriend because the burden on me for not wholly into that new guy was driving me away from work and making me go crazy. It was made worst for the fact that my dad forged my mum's signature on legal papers and requested tax credits for his estranged child, my elder half-sister, who he had never seen since she and his ex-wife's new family moved to Canada.

Then only four hours later he bought the plane tickets here to England leaving my mum behind in hk. She only went back for medical checks and a small operation. She already had an ultrasound scan for abnormalities in her thyroid glands and the lymph vessels in her neck (can't tell which one as the doctors were reluctant to inform us properly). The timing was awful too. He will be here with us for Christmas and New Year then return JUST missing my mum's dentist appointment before the operation. She was estatic when she called us at 3:30am. I cried shortly after she put the phone down on my brother. I wasn't too good in comforting her, my brother was better as he can isolate himself from the situation for a short while. He then had to comfort me until I calmed down. I put myself to making a broth for the next day just to distract me a little so I can at least have some sleep. When I was downstairs in the kitchen I heard him screaming twice. It was very hard on all of us. It had been a long time since I heard my mother cried like that. It was very difficult. My brother stayed at home on Sunday. He rejected his friends request to hang out. Maybe he was chatting to his new best friend that night as we didn't wake up until midday. My mum called a few hours after that distrauting phone call. She was better I was knackered so it was continue to bed for us. Sunday was difficult as I had already mentioned. I did end up completing my tutorial at last, but that used up my last set of determinations. As much as I wanted to carry-on with my other pieces of work I just couldn't.

Well I best get going. I still have to hand in that tutorial to be marked for this afternoon.

Annoying day

Well with regards to my laziness I went into uni to hand in my work before 9am. Just so that I won't be late I took into account the possibility of traffic jam which led to the conclusion that I should get up at 6:30am and leave the house at 7:30am. Which would nicely get me into uni at about 8:30am with room to spare for getting lost. (Universities are very VERY big.) Well I got there a few minutes short of 8:30am but by the time I handed in my homework (tutorials to be exact) it was only 8:30am. So I was left wandering about for 30 minutes before anything starts in Uni. The situation got worse when the library don't open until 9, fine given that I had the Metro to read, and my first lecture of the day started at 12:10pm.

I was already exhausted for getting 5 and a half hours sleep (I got distracted but something on Channel 4, Channel 5 was showing the 50 greatest horror movies of all time before that). The problem was made worse when I decided not to bring anything to do for those 3 hours (maybe it was just that I never took into account what was going to happen in those 3 hours. In the end I spent 90 minutes reading two biochemical journals and about 45 minutes reading the online newspaper before heading off to the foyer of my department, as there were sofas there. I could have sworn that if it was less exposed I would have slept there.

The lecture wasn't too bad given that my friend didn't turn up and there was a little bit of copying off the board (I would have definitely fallen asleep otherwise). I just decided that I won't listen to any of it but make sure I didn't miss a bit.

Then the most annoying thing happened. I was so hoping that the hour between the tutorial and the lecture had something to do. But my lab partner decided that photocopying could wait. He spent Friday night hammered, getting up at 1pm on Saturday, drunk on Saturday night and forgotten all about it Sunday. So much for getting my part of the deal ready by the earliest possible time. Which reminds me that I need to top up my printing/copying purse (it's electronic) as it is my turn this week. Anyway, what annoyed me most was the fact that I was knackered, I definitely deserved it, and his cheesy grin when he forgotten to do his part. I wouldn't have cared much if no one else I know was like that. Ironically that is exactly what my brother is like; trustworthy at times, comforting, and intelligent with a little effort, a person I can rely on.......well if you are not relying on them to do some tasks. Anyway I was only mad at my partner because I see my brother in him which drive me nuts. As my mum is on vacation, I am his temporary sole carer, just one of them is enough. I am naturally hypersensitive so just one less thing for me to worry about would be great. Two weeks in and I still can't trust him, give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!! o;>3<;o

October

Well it seems that I had been a little too bored lately. I hope that it will only get more busy as the weeks go on. I have settled back into studying rather rapidly, probably because I never really stopped but anyway it is going well. I am actually writing during a break at Uni. I absolutely hate this system. I prefer everything to be jam packed and then I get more time at home to reorganise what I learnt, in my head anyway. But the majority of the other people don't agree so nevermind.

Our laboratories are still under refurbishment so still no labs. As a result we are going to have 18 weeks of straight lab work with only the study weeks and official uni hols off. Well I think the same will happen once we start working.

I have already started planing for my final year project which I am still not sure what to do with it. I have an idea already, based on my available knowledge but it will take yet more time to actually complete it. First, I have to improve on my Japanese, then German, as they did more research on this subject, then lastly on my knowledge of the plants. Wish me luck everyone.

.........

My head feels like it is going to explode. I don't know why or what I did to it but it just feel that way. I probably have those new psychological illness that is something to do with the high alertness to high frequencies existent in almost every electrical appliances. But then again I wish I hadn't as I need to use all those things.

I am going back to Uni tomorrow. The timetable has not yet published and I don't know when is the best time to go back. I don't want to get stuck in the rush hour though like I always did last year.

I think I should just give up talking to morrocan people; their internet French is impossible to assume and understand, yet there are so many of them wanting to talk to me. It had been a very long time since I last had a lesson in it. They all want to use webcam though, which I actually hate doing with strangers.

Well I had been set an impossible task. To tidy my bedroom and cook dinner, do the washing, etc. It had all been left to me since I came back. My brother is so lazy.

I just dropped my French dictionary for the second time. I had been using it for my conversations.....which was useless as they were not proper French.

Someday, hopefully before I start working full-time, I will have had the chance to improve the GCSE French I still have left and have been able to at least read the German Scientific journals (you won't believe how significant that is) and had done a little latin to help with future research. This is a complicated task as I am still building up my Japanese. I think I am taking on board too many stuff but it is an aid. I don't intend on being fluent but at least I can read the text let alone pronounce it.

I had been really lazy over the past few days, study-wise. I hadn't done any revision for my subject or read the New Scientists that I ordered. All I wanted to do was just to sleep, sit around and do nothing. Maybe it was the opposite effect of what I had to do with the build-up of mess around the house. My brother is complaining that I am not doing any washing up even though I am doing to cooking, which he always complained about. He is thinking of adding another simpler dish in protest of what I am going to do.

He just complained to mum about what I said about the state of the house. He assumed that I will do everything as I would if I was married to him. For crying out loud he is only my brother and I am not obliged to clean his stuff, especially when it is all on my part of the room.

Enough complaining I think I should honestly tidy things up a bit so that I can use my desk when I finally start uni.

home

Well what can I say when my brother had been left house-keeping for a month......by himself. It was a total mess of course, with clothes here and there and dishes left in the sink, then there is the read mail on the table and.....well I think you got the idea. Mum is still away with things to sort out so the cleaning up is left to me!!!!!! (Why o Why!?!) It made me want to hide under a pillow and never look at it again. But, the problem is most of the mess is in my part of the house. My bedroom and desk are filled with his books and notes (he never do filing). All in all I have a big task ahead of me.

last full day

This is my last full day in hk before I move back to uk for the new academic year. I have been asked to go many places but I don't want to!!!!! My mum said that it was pre-departure depression and I don't deny it.

I had a chat with a friend recently. He had a very strong view on an issue which had deeply affected his family. I am not saying that he is wrong in keeping that view but if he had learnt to let go and deal with it then life isn't so bad. I can say it proudly as I have been through that. Well I don't say it but I have been through the same thing. It took me many years to start taking things more lightly. Sometimes when you see keep something to yourself for too long it damages your relationship, your physique and more importantly your mental balance. It can literally drive a person mad. There had been so many people driven into mental institutes for just this reason. What is more important is that the past had gone there is still the future. This part may be hard and bad it just mean that future will be comparably better.

Well his problem wasn't this part. It was more about society inflicted negativity. There is no escaping. The only solution is to live with it and try to make it affect you in the least possible way. I know that this is an issue affecting many of us and I don't say that I am immune to it. It is just that to have taken years to learn to deal with it rather than just complaining. Once you have reached this point you will be able to live happily. We are a social species and so social issues will follow us for eternity. Why don't we just pronounce the more positive and try to deal with the negative and move on. There will always be a better future that way.

suggestions

What am I to do? I really don't know. I have been troubled lately with the philosophy about suggestions. There can be so many strange things behind this idea. However, I had been so forgetful lately. hahahahaha I had already forgotten about all about it.

yo

Give me some excitement pleeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooooo bored..........!
Well not really I don't think??? I should be quite busy with the things I planned but somehow I don't want to do that. I don't really want to do anything anytime anyway so....what?

Aaaaaaargh I am not making any sense (see the recurring theme......any?). What should I do....? I should probably just do something.

This morning

I did something awful this morning. I had an argument this morning. I promised my mum that I will give the whole day today and Friday to help her out. I never said that I wouldn't it was more to do with the fact that she never let me sleep any other day anyway. I was only grumpy and mad at that. The worst part of it was talking back. I am 19 for heaven's sake. I was only asking for a extra 2 hours sleep and my mum's perspective was it is only two more hours. Does she know that I hadn't been able to sleep outside home for the past three years? Especially when I had responsibilities there. Or when I am very tired I might just be able to. An even bigger problem was when I go with her I usually stay awake so I will be ready when things were needed to be done. I can never sleep when people around me needed help. Even if they don't require it from me. Okay, so it may be an excuse from me. But having one like this is better than none. Nothing is going to take back what I done anyway.

So, to apologise, I will go as I had promised. If I had the gut not to be stubborn then I might say sorry. I don't expect to be forgiven though.

I best get going or it will just get more complicated.

hi again....on the same day

I think I am getting to like this blog more. But time will tell as which of those I will update more. (Why on Earth do I even bother when I should be spending more time on much better things!!) But anyway I am stupid. I will try and make an effort on this. HAHAHA

Hi

I honestly don't know what came up to me......Not another blog from a boring person. Maybe I am only boring because I don't go out much hence yet another blog from me. So to prove that I am really bored here is the URL for my other two:

http://www.freewebs.com/fiddlycat/
http://fiddlycatwithfiddles.spaces.live.com/

the latter one is not available to the public though, wahahahaha...^u^ Anyway, I guess this can be more free as I don't know who will look so......don't expect fun things.......yet.