Once upon a time

I don't know why I have used that title but just felt like it.

I am now in hk but my internal clock is still in the uk timezone so everything is as people might say, upside down. When I eat at the right time my body tells me it is not and I feel pretty ill. When I had pretty much sleep my body tells me otherwise. So I am knackered and not fit to do much things, but the down side is when I get used to the new time-frame I will be back to uk.

That don't usually bother me and I get used to things quite easily before but since my body haven't been subdued to.....changes.....for the past 9 months it is a bit more difficult this time round. I am really tired!!!!!

The last few times I had been pretty depressed but that's over now. I am now back to sanity. I have bought a really fantastic 4gb memory stick. It have a crab on it. (I know I sound lame!!!) I was just playing with it last night and there was so much feature in built. I was just loving it.

Don't want to sleep

It is now 0056. I should have been in bed two hours ago but I didn't want to sleep, though I am very tired yet again. I had just been onto facebook and decided to do stupid things again. I feel so much like a stalker. I honestly don't know why I get so fixated on someone and so easily too. I know self-isolation is not good but I just so enjoy the peace and quiet of not dealing with people issues. I know I have a tendency to run away. I dream about it too. Am I really that stubborn? So much that it is driving me crazy. Or was it the fear of being injured mentally nevermind physically.

Some good news was that the patient who passed out at 2:10pm, apparently most bad things happen at that time for him - there is some form of superstitious proof as that was already the fifth time that things stopped working at that time, is well and his operation is over though not without the regular patient complaints. This year at the volunteering place lots of things happened. It is a hospital afterall but the intensity of events was just awkward. My mum put it down to me getting along more with patients. I can live with that.

I have cracked the barrier of communicating with seniors now, it is the people of the same age that I need to get along with. Apparently it is the arrogance and looking down on people which I do, though I never noticed that, that is keeping me in isolation. With people of the same race it is usually the sense of responsibility to not let them be alone which forces me the open up. With others, it is usually the difference in interests and the level of maturity I was expecting that was holding me back. Then the was of course the thing which I mentioned. Though on my part I could defend my actions with the reason that I don't like joining in to a fully formed community or friendship ring. I have always been better friends with guys than girls so I wouldn't get too upset that I don't have many female friends. Then there is the problem of me being heterosexual and pretty desperate for some affection. It didn't matter a few years back or maybe more as I already had it in the form of my mum and brother and the notion of affection was only just developing. These last few years had been the hardest.

I was just thinking about sending a note on facebook to my ex-lab partner. He had been quite strange around me the week just gone. It would probably be me. Anyway, the note would be in a form of a letter that never got sent saying how I felt and so on. I am not going to do it but I honestly don't know why I keep thinking these things when I already decided not to do anything about this one. I was also thinking of a reason for his sudden change of action. The timing was so funny too. Just a day or two after I had written that quote he announced that he was going out with someone, on facebook of course. It didn't really mattered that much. I was very surprised at first anyway to find out that he wasn't taken already. I've side-tracked again. If I assumed that he read it and kept a distance then there are two possibilities, one is that he knew that was him and got scared, then the other, which is totally unrelated was that he actually reads my profile and inputs whilst I assume that no one does. Then there was the fact he would only knew that was talking about him if he had known me very well afterall it was in the quotes section. So, he couldn't have read it, why would he be curious about me anyway.

Then my thoughts drifted me to the scenario he didn't read that but was staying away from me only because of him actually having a girlfriend. Which heterosexual guy would stay away from just one girl only because he was going out with someone unless he cared about that other girl. That is false too as he honestly don't care. Which led to the final conclusion I have been sticking to him too much or my dependence on him had suddenly drifted away to another partner, well technically he is not my partner but as we have similar abilities and attitude we work together a lot. He wouldn't care anyway. He was only wasting time to get a degree then go into accounting for the money. I suddenly remembered the first time I worked with him. He asked me whether I trust him or not. I was going to say yes as most guys are unreliable. He proved me right on numerous occasions. I didn't tell him of course as he was the only one I had to rely on. I have learnt to trust him and now someone better with the chance that I can be the one actually ask questions I have unlearnt all that. It is funny that the other lab colleague was moaning to me about another colleague who don't read the manual and kept asking him stupid questions; then when she'd gone his face suddenly light up and was joking about the sudden peace and quiet. It was interesting to see that side of some people.

Oh, I just noticed something I had done which might have upset my ex-lab partner. He asked me on how to do some thing then I actually did the lot for him thinking that he always said that it would better if someone did all the work for him anyway. I shouldn't have done that. I will have to refrain from doing that next time, if there is a next time. Three more weeks in labs after Easter then pretty soon exams and I leave for Japan pretty much after that. So I get a whole year and three months to get over him, if he stayed on MChem. If not, I won't see him ever again. Just a few more months left then I guess I will just have to look forward to the next guy, which hopefully I wouldn't be too picky about and fall for the wrong guy again.

Last minute

I have been told off by my mum for leaving things to the last minute. She was right and therefore I was late and so didn't turn up to the first lecture. I had a really bad headache last night and so went to bed leaving the hard job, which should have only taken half an hour to do, for the morning. As I still wasn't properly rested in the morning I woke up at normal hour for today and skipped breakfast to complete the work. As you may imagine drawing to ratio was very hard. I don't know why I wouldn't be satisfied with just a sketch!! (It was a drawing of Primitive Close Packed and Face-centred Cubic Close Packed for all those solid state chemists interested.) So I left the house 15 minutes after I was sure that I will be late, being optimistic that the bus will take the fastest experienced time to reach uni. Yeah I got here 15 minutes after the lecture actually started, so I didn't go. Well after the lecture on being late last time I don't think I will turn up after 10 minutes.

I forgot to mention last night (yes, I should have gone to bed then!) that I walked home from my old school. The bus decided to stop there and wait for back-up because of foul smell. I wasn't in the best of moods and emotionally pretty knackered so I thought the cold wet walk back home would be good. Needless to say I was pretty soaked, but I did have a rain coat. It felt so nice to relive the time when I only got upset rather than tearful when the guy wasn't interested. I guess the pain increases with every crush. At least I am not as bothered about the Arabic crush anymore, which was all that I intended myself to do. It sounds really strange like emotions are something that could be controlled and planned. Anyway, it was mostly my lack of intuition and openess which caused the most pain.

The lecture that I sat here through is almost over. I should really go to my next lecture/test now.

Confused

I found out yesterday that my ex-lab partner is going out with someone. I was pretty upset as my dream was shattered but glad too as I could finally stop dreaming. I never was going to do anything anyway. If it is meant to be it will be. He have been cold to me lately but who wouldn't when there was hint that something wasn't right. He said that I was cold last week and so what? I am. I know I am and I have always been. My mum told me to break down that wall I keep building myself. Isolation and loneliness then complain about all that. What if I do and don't want to change that? It is fair to say I don't know how to get along with people or join in. I never wanted to squeeze into a fully formed friendship circle. If joining in meant that I have to act like children with dangerous equipment during times when we should be working then I rather not do all that. I have been known to play hard when we were not supposed to work but at uni we were meant to work and more work done during the day more time saved for the night to do all the heart's content. At a place of work we should work.

I don't know why him going out with someone, not me, would hurt me this much. I knew it all the way from the beginning. Yes, he was the first one who could help me forget my Arabic crush when I was in his presence but surely being prepared should have made it this painful! I was constantly reliving the distance I suddenly felt today. For one reason I may have been extra cold to him just to shield my emotions, another reason was that he actually read my quote and thought that it was him. I did write it with my ex-lab partner in mind but it was just a general comment and observation. Anyway, assuming that he didn't read that......ok it is me being cold. That comment he made last week haunted me so much on my way home it's unbelievable. Maybe it's just people of the similar age-group that suffers from my harsh attitude. I'm not going to change, until they are worth it, as people do grow.

Update

I just thought that I should update on the suggestion that I would be wearing a skirt to uni this week. I have completely gave up on the idea since the weather was sunny but freezing, in the hours which I leave home and leave Uni. Also I went to bed a bit too late on the weekends to tuesday which meant that I was even more frail. I have already been coughing and sniffing the past two days which meant that I really shouldn't do anything stupid. There is also the fact that I have labs on Thurs and Fri which have a Health and Safety requirement of complete coverage in case of accidents and mishaps. Even though it is only physical, where we spent most of the time chatting away, that regulation still have to be kept. So, for all those wondering why scientists, particularly chemists, don't dress up that is the reason.

I am still stuck in uni with absolutely nothing to do, well there is but as I will be spending all the later hours after half one doing it anyway - you get the picture.

I think I have got my life back onto a routine again. However, the hol starts after next week. I really wish that three weeks wouldn't have done as much damage as the Christmas period. To be honest there were lots of things happening then where emotionally there was a heavy burden. Anyway I really need to catch up on the things I want to do and the things that I should do. I have lagged behind so much that it is not going to be easy to catch back up for at least 6 months. By that time I would already have done the exams.

Anyway, back to work for me.

Tuesday

Two members of my tutorial group was giggling at the tutorial yesterday. I don't know why but today I felt really upset about it. It shouldn't really matter at all but I still don't know why it had affected me so much. I had the compulsion to cry. I didn't cry out but my eyes were swollen ready to do so. I haven't felt this sad for some time now. The last time was because my grandpa went into A&E then to have to have his kidney removed. That time was because of my inability to do anything though. This time, I really don't know what it is.

I had been evaluating my emotions again. I keep doing things which I shouldn't. I told myself not to do it but somehow I still do and each time it gets more desperate than the time before. What should I do to protect myself from myself? I know very well that it is me who is doing all the damage I am enduring but how am I supposed to deal with the root of the problem when that is out of my control?

I am depressed but I won't seek medication for help as fighting on my own will make me stronger. Some methods which I employ may be wrong but I am trying. Thank you to Dave who have given me some confidence in myself. I saw that he cares and notices but I am too unstable to be a good friend to him. It may sound ridiculous but I form an emotional connection to all the people I know. Everything I did or said to that person which affected them to some extent reciprocates back to me and the guilt and pain, that person may have, I feel. I should just ignore it but they haunts me in my sleep, sometimes for months, in extreme cases even years.

I am having problems with myself, my perpectives and the things which are important to me. I won't ask for help or rely on anyone to help me. Someday, sometime I will walk out of the shadow, whatever that may be, and be the person I want to be.

Another late night

Tonight was another late night because I was doing my listening, due in tomorrow. I really do wonder if I will remember my Japanese folder tomorrow morning.

I was planning to wear a skirt tomorrow. Will I do it?? It IS freezing but that is meant to be a winter skirt....so.....fingers crossed.

I have been thinking really weird things lately. I have been persuading myself again that I have hope yet for another guy. I honestly don't know why I do it. I keep telling myself that is not true but somehow I still think otherwise.

My English grammar is getting better, but my japanese or Chinese aren't. The grammar ability of mine are like a weighing scale. It really depends on the language mode I'm in. I do know that it sounds really funny but I am definitely not kidding. I can gurantee that after the year in japan both my chinese and English will sound ridiculous. Even though it isn't exactly grammar perfect now.

Every time I close my eyes I see my ex-lab partner which is really frustrating. I think of my arabic crush's name but I see my ex-lab partner. Which is very confusing. On one sense I am getting over my arabic crush, the other.....I am going to get into another big mess. If I ended up liking my ex-lab partner as much as my arabic crush I am so going to fall into pieces. He isn't the type of guy (was going to say men but but he is more like a boy) that I would trust to be support me mentally. My Arabic crush was, so much so that the coincidences which never happened made me decide to let go. I had been trying for so long too. My ex-lab partner.....I don't know what it is but he sometimes show a mature side. Sometimes he say gentle words which are heart-warming and relaxing. Just last Thursday when I found out that my experiments (well, our experiment) gave an extremely weird result and whatever I do, including checking the values and my maths, I started to get angry at myself. All he said to my uneasy self was don't worry and as if it was a miracle my hands stopped shaking. Anyone would say that, maybe not literally anyone, but somehow I felt at ease. His voice was very soft then. His usual cheeky smile and annoying comments were gone. It is really strange. I wish that he won't do that anymore before I finally convinced myself that he does care about me. I would go insane if that happened.

I have been listening to Take That's Beautiful World album and at this moment it is on Patience. There are so many good songs on there. By the way, I am kind of hijacking my brother's files (haha). I am really liking them.

Anyway it is actually 1:30am so I really should get to bed.....my first lecture starts at 10am.

Good night from this moment.

Good morning

Good morning to everybody. I am actually very tired but since I got to the pc I just got this internet addiction which I am currently trying to satisfy. People say that it work-related illness but I prefer it to be called a social illness.

Anyway. I went to bed an hour earlier than now yesterday, trying to get my coursework in yesterday. I was knackered. Why am I here now is purely because I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 10 pm, probably later and....believe it or not....got interested in the fantastic homepage area on google. So I had been playing around on that. but that was after the hour I spent on writing an e-mail to my friend. I think that after today I will probably spend less time on aol games and more on google. That kind of makes it worse as I don't necessarily need to wait for loading times to get some games on, which usually puts me off playing them (for my case it is a good thing).

Why I am here when I should really be in bed is because I had a really strange dream which I woke up on. I was fighting with my ex-lab partner like I used to with my brother. I think I have really fallen in love with him. There are plus and minus points about him. He had been increasingly helpful in labs but if he had worked a bit harder he would probably be the person I rely on rather than the other guy who I seemed to ask for help much more often and consequently work with more often.....even though he isn't really in my team. So, we are pretty much working together on the last two comparatively major projects.

Ooh, I finally started to get to know the only guy in our group who always get forgotten. My ex-lab partner made an awful statement about him not talking much. I actually agreed to that. How mean of me. The only reason that he don't talk to people is almost the exact same as the reason why I don't go and talk to people in the first place. No-one actually talked to us. I don't like pushing myself to people who are already in friendship groups and it is very understandable if he doesn't communicate with us as, firstly, the last 6 of us - alphabetically of course - are in the same tutorial group and, secondly, that second guy I mentioned was already pretty close to his partner, the other girl who's not in my tutorial group. This third guy can be pretty sociable. It is just that I often give too much information, a habit which I think I got off from working with the patients at the hospital where I will be going back to later today.

I will finish this at 3am so I best do my fastest typing yet.

What was I going to say anyway. My main purpose was to claim victory over the miserable days I had for the past two years. I had become so accustomed to my ex-lab partner's insults and contradictions that it is becoming uncomfortable when he don't do that. I have been talking loads about him, particularly because he annoyed me at the start and his sociable character and humourous personality allowed me to become my true self, clumsy and talker without thinking, which often lead to loads of laughter. Well the last statement isn't wholly true as I am often switching channels between the language of my thinking to the language of speaking. The words are often right, just the grammar which isn't. Yesterday I said that breath contains air, which is the bleeding obvious when I meant water, which messes up the reaction. Then I just did a copy cat and the person who I copied from then said that I was stupid to do that. That is just contradiction, to the full, and that was my ex-lab partner too (well, again).

I will probably revert to the days when I scribble away in my diary about seeing him again. It is impossible not to in the university environment, with the sudden introduction the lectures, and the fact that I start looking for him - not physically of course! Dreaming about him is not a good start either.

I wonder how my Arabic crush had been. I have been finally moving on and I know he had too. I do wonder if he have a new girl dreaming about him in the obvious. I know he thought about me much but I just wasn't brave enough to let him know that I think about him lots too. I cried too much for him and the coincidences that I wanted to happen never did. I pleaded so much to see him when I went into A&E. I wanted to let him know how much I still loved him. It was just too painful. I probably should just forget about the past and let him through in october but giving him up was the only option left. As if! I just wasn't brave enough to love him. I was scared, very scared.

It is way past 3am now. I am going to bed....for the second time tonight.

Good night!