Don't want to sleep

It is now 0056. I should have been in bed two hours ago but I didn't want to sleep, though I am very tired yet again. I had just been onto facebook and decided to do stupid things again. I feel so much like a stalker. I honestly don't know why I get so fixated on someone and so easily too. I know self-isolation is not good but I just so enjoy the peace and quiet of not dealing with people issues. I know I have a tendency to run away. I dream about it too. Am I really that stubborn? So much that it is driving me crazy. Or was it the fear of being injured mentally nevermind physically.

Some good news was that the patient who passed out at 2:10pm, apparently most bad things happen at that time for him - there is some form of superstitious proof as that was already the fifth time that things stopped working at that time, is well and his operation is over though not without the regular patient complaints. This year at the volunteering place lots of things happened. It is a hospital afterall but the intensity of events was just awkward. My mum put it down to me getting along more with patients. I can live with that.

I have cracked the barrier of communicating with seniors now, it is the people of the same age that I need to get along with. Apparently it is the arrogance and looking down on people which I do, though I never noticed that, that is keeping me in isolation. With people of the same race it is usually the sense of responsibility to not let them be alone which forces me the open up. With others, it is usually the difference in interests and the level of maturity I was expecting that was holding me back. Then the was of course the thing which I mentioned. Though on my part I could defend my actions with the reason that I don't like joining in to a fully formed community or friendship ring. I have always been better friends with guys than girls so I wouldn't get too upset that I don't have many female friends. Then there is the problem of me being heterosexual and pretty desperate for some affection. It didn't matter a few years back or maybe more as I already had it in the form of my mum and brother and the notion of affection was only just developing. These last few years had been the hardest.

I was just thinking about sending a note on facebook to my ex-lab partner. He had been quite strange around me the week just gone. It would probably be me. Anyway, the note would be in a form of a letter that never got sent saying how I felt and so on. I am not going to do it but I honestly don't know why I keep thinking these things when I already decided not to do anything about this one. I was also thinking of a reason for his sudden change of action. The timing was so funny too. Just a day or two after I had written that quote he announced that he was going out with someone, on facebook of course. It didn't really mattered that much. I was very surprised at first anyway to find out that he wasn't taken already. I've side-tracked again. If I assumed that he read it and kept a distance then there are two possibilities, one is that he knew that was him and got scared, then the other, which is totally unrelated was that he actually reads my profile and inputs whilst I assume that no one does. Then there was the fact he would only knew that was talking about him if he had known me very well afterall it was in the quotes section. So, he couldn't have read it, why would he be curious about me anyway.

Then my thoughts drifted me to the scenario he didn't read that but was staying away from me only because of him actually having a girlfriend. Which heterosexual guy would stay away from just one girl only because he was going out with someone unless he cared about that other girl. That is false too as he honestly don't care. Which led to the final conclusion I have been sticking to him too much or my dependence on him had suddenly drifted away to another partner, well technically he is not my partner but as we have similar abilities and attitude we work together a lot. He wouldn't care anyway. He was only wasting time to get a degree then go into accounting for the money. I suddenly remembered the first time I worked with him. He asked me whether I trust him or not. I was going to say yes as most guys are unreliable. He proved me right on numerous occasions. I didn't tell him of course as he was the only one I had to rely on. I have learnt to trust him and now someone better with the chance that I can be the one actually ask questions I have unlearnt all that. It is funny that the other lab colleague was moaning to me about another colleague who don't read the manual and kept asking him stupid questions; then when she'd gone his face suddenly light up and was joking about the sudden peace and quiet. It was interesting to see that side of some people.

Oh, I just noticed something I had done which might have upset my ex-lab partner. He asked me on how to do some thing then I actually did the lot for him thinking that he always said that it would better if someone did all the work for him anyway. I shouldn't have done that. I will have to refrain from doing that next time, if there is a next time. Three more weeks in labs after Easter then pretty soon exams and I leave for Japan pretty much after that. So I get a whole year and three months to get over him, if he stayed on MChem. If not, I won't see him ever again. Just a few more months left then I guess I will just have to look forward to the next guy, which hopefully I wouldn't be too picky about and fall for the wrong guy again.