Tuesday

Two members of my tutorial group was giggling at the tutorial yesterday. I don't know why but today I felt really upset about it. It shouldn't really matter at all but I still don't know why it had affected me so much. I had the compulsion to cry. I didn't cry out but my eyes were swollen ready to do so. I haven't felt this sad for some time now. The last time was because my grandpa went into A&E then to have to have his kidney removed. That time was because of my inability to do anything though. This time, I really don't know what it is.

I had been evaluating my emotions again. I keep doing things which I shouldn't. I told myself not to do it but somehow I still do and each time it gets more desperate than the time before. What should I do to protect myself from myself? I know very well that it is me who is doing all the damage I am enduring but how am I supposed to deal with the root of the problem when that is out of my control?

I am depressed but I won't seek medication for help as fighting on my own will make me stronger. Some methods which I employ may be wrong but I am trying. Thank you to Dave who have given me some confidence in myself. I saw that he cares and notices but I am too unstable to be a good friend to him. It may sound ridiculous but I form an emotional connection to all the people I know. Everything I did or said to that person which affected them to some extent reciprocates back to me and the guilt and pain, that person may have, I feel. I should just ignore it but they haunts me in my sleep, sometimes for months, in extreme cases even years.

I am having problems with myself, my perpectives and the things which are important to me. I won't ask for help or rely on anyone to help me. Someday, sometime I will walk out of the shadow, whatever that may be, and be the person I want to be.