Awaiting New Year

I went out yesterday with a friend of mine in the day and then went to a reunion at night. The reunion was alright considering that I didn't like to get drunk or get laid so I don't actually have much of a conversational topic in common with them. Well the guy that I used to take the bus to and from sixth form was there. He had his hair cut and It's been nearly a year since I had last seem him so I didn't recognise him at all until a while later. It took me even longer to remember his name. He was in my lower year and I practically never really used it. I felt really bad on that but then again I am not really that close to him. I was closer to another guy which I did really bad in not to upset. All in all I felt rather out of place, but everyone talked to me eventually, when they were no longer occupied with that mainly that guy. He is like another friend I know. Amazingly both of them are blonde.....hmmmm?????

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas even if I didn't. My dad dragged my brother out of be at 10am to start revising and in the meantime even when I woke up at 12 I ended up doing my lab writeup on Christmas day only because I was really bored. i saw A Christmas Carol three times over that period. I stopped counting the hours after I reminded myself that Christmas day will never be different to any other day. The first one was a musical which was rather enjoyable then there was the theatrical (film) version and lastly a cartoon one. I had also watched a Mozart Opera on the BBC but I couldn't remember the name. That was rather sweet and not a tragedy like most other opera (what is the plural of opera?) Oh, that Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special was good. I would have loved Zoe and Ian (38) to win but then Colin and Erin got 40 which was impossible to beat. Apart from Matt and Lilia (37)everyone from Series 4 got only 36. (The number in the brackets are their marks from the judges btw). So yeah my Christmas day was spent practically watching tv by myself. I did make the dinner Western Style. I was going to make a pie but the beef didn't soften in time so it was bacon instead. It tasted alright considering I only started doing cooking in February '06 but my brother still complained about carrots again. They are good for the eyes; so they say. Well I like carrots and to be honest there really isn't that many things that I know how to cook.

Boxing day.......just like any other day since my dad arrived. (Did I mention that he left my mum in hk to visit the doctors and have a dental operation, which she is petrified of; not mentioning Christmas Day and all?) I felt miserable since he arrived. I will do as much as a daughter should and that's it. It was the very first time in my life that once I was out I don't want to go home. If I had been any closer to a guy I might have even stayed overnight. One of my best friend (girl) offered but I still shouldn't as it wasn't just staying away that I wanted. My mind kept thinking of my ex-lab partner even though that will never happen. It was possible that he shared similar traits to my brother which made me think of him a lot more than other guys but that's about it I hope. It could also be because I am just trying to get rid of that other guy whom I had been in love with for so long but I will never know. Love is a very strange feeling.

I sent a lot of Merry Christmas messages on Facebook to my friends. Only two responded wishing me the same, well it was Happy New Year for one of them but I sent is on Christmas eve after I met up with my best friends so all are forgiven.

I bumped into a close friend of mine back in Sixth Form. It was really strange. He matured a little, yet he still hadn't changed that much, even in height. It was really weird. We had a little chat but as I was with another friend we kind of kept it short. It was funny though as the friend I was with went to the sixth form for the first 5 years of secondary school while the other friend went only for sixth form but still the same school. It was a very light-hearted moment. I still think it was weird. Like always it was him who recognised me.

First Monday of Christmas Holidays

I have just added this blog to the Facebook. Reasons unknown. I have just realised that I had put real names in the blogs, apologies to those people. I hope they weren't taken as insults. As the things I say here are now going to be known by the people I know or think I know I might just be careful of what I say.

I had taken a Friends game on Facebook about an hour ago. Apart from the ones I have known from KES I hardly know anyone. It didn't stop me playing it anyway. For some of the people on my list my observations actually helped me on that part. (Who says that you can't know a person just by meeting them once?) I ain't a saint so I got half wrong, despite 75% of the people who came up I don't actually know properly.

Some people may wonder why I spend most of my time alone. Or they don't bloody care at all. Don't blame them I ain't that interesting anyway. Okay, here is the reason: I am scared of people. Well I do love them, all shape and sizes, kind and horrible; I might not get along with some but I still love them. I have been hurt by so many that it gets difficult for me to initiate a connection. Then as the time went on I had become so adapted to spending time by myself that it gets even harder to start a new connection in life. But there are some that did develop and had continued. It is hard to get us together now that we are separated but it is still there. Those I am willing to give my life to. Others I will still give them whatever I am capable of, within reason before you think of taking advantage of me.

I am fragile, emotionally, so if you cared to read this or any other things I've written.....
Thank You
As there are someone out there who are interested in what's beneath the fascade, but don't let me know, just leave me as I am. I will regret writing this sometime in the future and you might have become my human firing target.

12 December 2006

Well I have been in the University library for a little more than 2 hours now and there is still 3 more hours to go before my last lecture of the day. Which I honestly think that I might cope without. Anyway, I am exhausted, tired and don't even know why I bother.

I had the most stressful day yesterday as I honestly care about all the work I do and as the final part is teamwork failing because of other people's inability really bugs me. Then in the mist of all my professor tells me that I had not got an offer for my placement year and I should really consult his secretary to follow it up definitely spiced the day up. I was so glad that two of them really are interested in their working output. One of them I worked with to get the newspaper 'product' out, and the other one gave me his work beforehand so it went smoothly. (I panicked in the computer room in the morning as no one turned up. I was hoping to hand the work in just after the lecture finished.) I really hate it when I stress to get things done when others casually leave things for others to complete. Why can't some people be a little more involved?

Anyway, this is really boring me to bits as I still got two and a half hours before that last lecture. I honestly hope that it at least last the full 50 minutes.

First lab day in the Inorganic sector

I woke up really early this morning, 7:05am despite the first alarm going off at 7:00am. Somehow I still end up leaving the house at 8:15am which guarantees that I'd be late. I had been doing that the past few days and walking into the lab 10 minutes late wasn't a really good idea, though I had been prepared for a told off. I might have reached there 5 minutes past the hour but it was pouring in rain and so the traffic was terrible.

I might have mentioned not too long ago about a lab partner. That partnership ended for eternity. The early part of the lab felt awkward but that was about it. I didn't honestly cared, a little certainly as he did compensate for some of my strange anxieties; second pair of eyes on the decisions. I am too clumsy. I nearly ruined my outcome. (I think I already have.) I ended up being the fastest out of my tutor group though not without chaos and confusion. I just don't like taking my time which is really bad. The day ended with me being 10 minutes later than the rest of people doing the same experiment. There would have been plenty of time to reprecipitate if the compound actually dissolved in the usual time of about 5 minutes but it took ages with I-don't-know-how-many-times over the supposed minimum amount and that was with just the acetone. So 5 minutes before the lab session was over I had to rotary evaporate the solution just so that the complex won't racemicize. (ligand rearragement so that polarised light would not be rotated as much as the isolated species.) It wasn't fun. All because I was slightly ahead of everybody else. I don't do it on purpose, I don't think, it is just that I don't like hanging around.

Oh on that matter of lab mishaps I used a 5 inch pipette to draw out liquid of 3 inch depth in a 15 inch height container. If that made sense you would have realised the impossibility of the action. Then there was vacuum dessication of one of my products though only 0.15g was actually needed to go in there. There was also the lack of functioning polarimeters available. The one that I knew how to operate had the sample container missing. Then the ones that did have it don't actually work. I think it was just that our lab teacher don't actually know how to operate it or was it just that I didn't want to use it?? Anyway I had a teasing from my ex-lab partner for the first two mishaps. He seems to be always around to witness it. I hope it is not the other way round though. Well now that I got used to their presence I can actually communicate with them and occassionally joke about but mine are usually unnatural. Well it took my two best friends a whole year to get closer and a further 3 or 4 years to finally understand each other I guess that's just life.

I have a small crush on my ex-lab partner as you may already noticed. Well thinking about my ex-lab partner who is very different to all my previous male encounters certainly put me off thinking about my one sided love for another guy of 3 years. I know I am just a classmate to him but it helps to deter me from thinking about the pain I had. I will pull out eventually but I guess pulling out of the feeling for my ex-lab partner is easier than that other guy so I just let that come and hopefully not show it too much.

Strange Dream

I had a really strange dream last night or the night before that. I was running away with Hannah one of my two best friends. We were holding dearly to a few magnetic stirrer bars which had some sort of secret embedded in it. We were running away frantically across Derbyshire. There were men in suits chasing us. We were exhausted. Hannah wanted to rest but I kept pushing her. Then a familiar scene happened. We were surrounded by a flock of sheeps which somehow helped us get away into a small country alleyway. We carried on running until we reached the top of a field where a farmer was mowing his lawn (don't ask me why he was doing that). He noticed us through a fence and gave us a lift. Me and Hannah were already really tired and agreed. We slept for a while until which point we were nearing a sheltered road with fence and trees around it. We quickly hid the magnetic stirrer bars inside our bra. Then we said our thanks to the farmer and got off at a T-junction of the road. We turned around and walked up that second road. As we reached the highest point two men appeared. I stopped walking. Hannah kept pulling me to go away but I was looking at the tallest man in front of me. It was Jared. A guy who is in my tutor group. Hannah still kept pulling me to go away but I held out my hand and let him put cuffs on me. I somehow trusted him not to harm me and let him take me away. Then I woke up. It is very strange. I am not even close of him. I would say hi to him if I met him but that's about it. It made it very awkward when I see him. It reminds me of this dream which I find really strange. But anyway we got a newspaper to do together for Generic Skills with Vinay, Steven and Daniel.