It has been a while since I have made a blog....there really isn't much reason for not doing so except that too many things have happened over the past few months.
I am a strange person. I warm up slowly to people only to show them just the shell of me. However, that changed recently. As the title implied I am in Japan. Well I have been here for two and a half months now and have pretty much settled in. I am at a chemical company and due to legality I an bound to secrecy, lol. Anyway, I am currently an international intern with two other and another two Japanese interns. Out of the five of us I have the youngest supervisor who is really pushing me to learn about his work. There is also the annoyance of his interest in my personal life. I have been asked several times what I thought of a particular employee and have been asked to compare him with the only male intern who I just happened to spend a lot of time with (There are currently lots of complications between us two and if he wasn't there I might have collapsed a while ago.). I know perfectly well what that means but I am acting ignorant of it. Then there is also the team leader who is a notorious womanizer apparently. As long as I play on the safe side I should be able use that to my advantage and observe how he does business. So yeah, my love life is empty and from the day that I said I was single I have lost control of it....until I leave Japan anyway.
I don't know what I should be doing. I am just an intern at the company so I am ambitious and work hard. I still don't know what the hell I am doing though I am just doing repetitive work. I don't do analysis, I just produce the data but now I am beginning to help out my with my supervisor's work. It is funny though, what I am starting to do for my supervisor is not that different from what I do at home; the only difference is the complexity of what is wanted. I do hope that my supervisor don't use my language straight onto his communications. There was also the funny thing that he was asking me what he should do in response to technical exchange with another company in France. I don't even know why he was asking me about that when I am just an intern.
Oh, the other international intern likes the only male intern. As a result, she is ignoring me....big time. Hey I don't really like the guy but because I am the only person that kind of understands him and because he kind of rely on me and vice versa that's why we are close. We are both searching for our other half and because of that nothing can really happen between us. lol, It is pretty ironic though. The first guy that I actually find myself relying on apart from my brother is not and will never be my other half. Am I destined to be alone until I'm 30?? Anyway, I got Tuesday to look forward to.....the guy that my team leader kind of introduced me to as a possible boyfriend will be coming to the company. I can handle the guy just not my team leader.
It is actually 0134 in Japan right now. I have been up from 7 am this morning, though my sleep wasn't good for two nights running. I am tired and I am tidying my room tomorrow, yeah when I wake up, after many days of saying that I would do so. Anyway, I want to clear up some space to study and I can't do it while I'm tired. Am going to bed now.
2007/09/14
2007/05/19
This is going to be short
I think I have really formed a dependence on my ex lab partner. I was thinking about my Arabic crush this morning and was expecting the same fate. Now that it had finally happened I felt a lot better. I know it doesn't make sense but neither what I am feeling right now. Maybe it was to do with the fact that I will be leaving the uk for at least 12 months in less than a month's time. Everything feels a lot complicated right now. Anyhow after tomorrow I should be in full steam for myupcoming exams. I can't fail, not now. I really REALLY want to study medicine!!!!!
2007/05/15
Finally starting revision
I should have started revising since the beginning of the EAster holiday but I haven't so today will be my official day of proper revision. Well after how blank my tutorial had been I know that it is what I should do and urgently needs to be done too!!! However, it still doesn't distract me from checking my e-mail (I have been on the e-mail list for jokes!) and found this (one of the patients in the hospital will like this):
Marriage and Men
I am going to Japan next year for my placement. It wasn't my first choice so I am not as excited but it will be fun. The area I will be going to is quite rural so I shouldn't stress too much. There will only be one other guy I know there but he is somewhere outside my town or city, though I think it is more on the town scale, so I will practically be having to cope on my own. It doesn't subtract from the fact that there will also be a Canadian and American there to talk to if my Japanese got tangled. Apart from my family and best friends I think I will miss my ex-lab partner most. It is just the laughter he had created and the relaxed attitude to things. He has replaced my Arabic-crush to some extent but not completely. At least now I look back on my Arabic crush fondly rather than unhappily.
Oh, I went out to a nightclub with my two best mates on the Saturdays just gone. The first time I was kind of holding on to what was actually available to me so that went well (as if). The second time, the guys were pretty desperate apart from one who I've been told that I've actually pulled but rejected as I wasn't too comfortable with the distance. He offered to buy me a drink but I wasn't intent on knowing him. I don't know what my problem was with that guy....oooh.....I just remembered why, it was because he was pretty drunk already. All the other desperate guys we seemed to play hide and seek with. I kind of brought that on, which I never knew I could do and the mini skirt did accelerate it. We ended up pulling each other towards ourself and running around and behind the big teddy bear who was my mate's friend. I felt sorry for doing that to him. There was one point when one of the desperate guys who tried having a go at us was rugby tackled by another man. It was very awkward. The second time I've actually been to that night-club........what an experience!!! At least I know that if I actually dressed up a bit I am not really unattractive. Well I've wished my ex-lab partner was there since it was his kind of scene in comparison of my Arabic crush, but I guess he preferred more teenage-feel nightclubs than more mature ones.
Marriage and Men
- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.
and lastly............
- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!
I am going to Japan next year for my placement. It wasn't my first choice so I am not as excited but it will be fun. The area I will be going to is quite rural so I shouldn't stress too much. There will only be one other guy I know there but he is somewhere outside my town or city, though I think it is more on the town scale, so I will practically be having to cope on my own. It doesn't subtract from the fact that there will also be a Canadian and American there to talk to if my Japanese got tangled. Apart from my family and best friends I think I will miss my ex-lab partner most. It is just the laughter he had created and the relaxed attitude to things. He has replaced my Arabic-crush to some extent but not completely. At least now I look back on my Arabic crush fondly rather than unhappily.
Oh, I went out to a nightclub with my two best mates on the Saturdays just gone. The first time I was kind of holding on to what was actually available to me so that went well (as if). The second time, the guys were pretty desperate apart from one who I've been told that I've actually pulled but rejected as I wasn't too comfortable with the distance. He offered to buy me a drink but I wasn't intent on knowing him. I don't know what my problem was with that guy....oooh.....I just remembered why, it was because he was pretty drunk already. All the other desperate guys we seemed to play hide and seek with. I kind of brought that on, which I never knew I could do and the mini skirt did accelerate it. We ended up pulling each other towards ourself and running around and behind the big teddy bear who was my mate's friend. I felt sorry for doing that to him. There was one point when one of the desperate guys who tried having a go at us was rugby tackled by another man. It was very awkward. The second time I've actually been to that night-club........what an experience!!! At least I know that if I actually dressed up a bit I am not really unattractive. Well I've wished my ex-lab partner was there since it was his kind of scene in comparison of my Arabic crush, but I guess he preferred more teenage-feel nightclubs than more mature ones.
2007/05/04
Last labs of level 2
Well I have just completed my very last lab in level 2. It only lasted 30 minutes, even though I missed the first 30 due to a lack of intiative to do my homework, which was due in at 1.45pm. I still managed to finish it even though not to a high standard. I would have had longer to do a more satisfying job of the write-up if I didn't drink that glass of wine, which was pretty good I must say, courtesy of my mate. There wasn't much at all but I still ended up with a headache which meant that I couldn't concentrate enough or read properly to complete my work. Also I had completely forgotten to bring home at least one of the booklet that told me exactly what I should be doing, which was a lot of help!!! I just wish my next set of homeworks will not suffer the same fate.
Yesterday we had a meal since it was the last lab session of the year. I found out that my ex-lab partner was just restraining himself when I actually see him. Once he had that alcohol flowing through his system his inner-self was fully expressed. What I don't usually see or hear him do or say he completely let slip. He was just so subtly different. We had a joke that he was way too close to girls than guys and so may be gay. Let's just hope that he is a similar person to me.
Well two other guys who I was sat with weren't too talkative either. One who sat next to my ex-lab partner was constantly being brought into a very strange and awkward conversation. As I was and always had been a listener more than a speaker I just spend the whole duration fo the meal giggling and laughing away at the ridiculously humourous conversations, that my ex-lab partner had, while joining into a few of them.
I am currently being distracted by a t.v. series that my mother bought home which I know is very good. So I will stop here. lol
Yesterday we had a meal since it was the last lab session of the year. I found out that my ex-lab partner was just restraining himself when I actually see him. Once he had that alcohol flowing through his system his inner-self was fully expressed. What I don't usually see or hear him do or say he completely let slip. He was just so subtly different. We had a joke that he was way too close to girls than guys and so may be gay. Let's just hope that he is a similar person to me.
Well two other guys who I was sat with weren't too talkative either. One who sat next to my ex-lab partner was constantly being brought into a very strange and awkward conversation. As I was and always had been a listener more than a speaker I just spend the whole duration fo the meal giggling and laughing away at the ridiculously humourous conversations, that my ex-lab partner had, while joining into a few of them.
I am currently being distracted by a t.v. series that my mother bought home which I know is very good. So I will stop here. lol
2007/04/23
Probably should be working and revising
Well I have been back in Sheffield for nearly two weeks now and since then I have yet to do any revision and that includes my backlog of homework too. It is certainly not a fun thing to do and consider.
There are reasons why I am so far behind on schedule. That is mainly because of my stupid brother not helping out with the housework while creating them. So, I couldn't really complain if there was only one set of housework to do but instead I have to do it for two, meaning that it takes twice the time. Then there is the problem of my brother not actually eating. I worry and with a little temper wait a lot late to do the cooking making me even more exhausted. Then with the lack of energy I have low concentration then I make mistakes, lots of them and also the problem of actually focusing on revision. Well I have myself to blame for when I don't want to do my homework as I was watching tv.
Not much apart from that really happened, oh I just applied for student maintenence loan. I need to apply for this year too which I have to pick up the form from the LEA tomorrow as I can't really go today and it is closed on the weekends. Not looking forward to it.
My stomach hurts a little as a result of untimely meal times and with my lack of sleep or assuming that I was ACTUALLY sleeping I am really exhausted. I am still quite fat though not that I was intentionally doing it to lose weight; just decided that these times would be used to do some work.
My exam timetable is out. My last exam is in June.....no early start to the summer hol then; even though I will be working in Japan from late June. It will still change I have been left to assume.
Oh, I bought an English book this time. It is kind of like the English herbal remedies, well just the plant part not the rest.
I think I have said enough for this time, next time then.
There are reasons why I am so far behind on schedule. That is mainly because of my stupid brother not helping out with the housework while creating them. So, I couldn't really complain if there was only one set of housework to do but instead I have to do it for two, meaning that it takes twice the time. Then there is the problem of my brother not actually eating. I worry and with a little temper wait a lot late to do the cooking making me even more exhausted. Then with the lack of energy I have low concentration then I make mistakes, lots of them and also the problem of actually focusing on revision. Well I have myself to blame for when I don't want to do my homework as I was watching tv.
Not much apart from that really happened, oh I just applied for student maintenence loan. I need to apply for this year too which I have to pick up the form from the LEA tomorrow as I can't really go today and it is closed on the weekends. Not looking forward to it.
My stomach hurts a little as a result of untimely meal times and with my lack of sleep or assuming that I was ACTUALLY sleeping I am really exhausted. I am still quite fat though not that I was intentionally doing it to lose weight; just decided that these times would be used to do some work.
My exam timetable is out. My last exam is in June.....no early start to the summer hol then; even though I will be working in Japan from late June. It will still change I have been left to assume.
Oh, I bought an English book this time. It is kind of like the English herbal remedies, well just the plant part not the rest.
I think I have said enough for this time, next time then.
2007/04/06
Day after Carnival
We went to a themepark-type carnival yesterday. I've lost the higher range of my voice through the screaming done, which made the rides more exciting. I'm not usually this bad but as I still have that bloody flem in my throat it was just much easily l0st.
The rides were fun given that they were temporary set-up. Well I think I should catch up later.
The rides were fun given that they were temporary set-up. Well I think I should catch up later.
2007/03/29
Once upon a time
I don't know why I have used that title but just felt like it.
I am now in hk but my internal clock is still in the uk timezone so everything is as people might say, upside down. When I eat at the right time my body tells me it is not and I feel pretty ill. When I had pretty much sleep my body tells me otherwise. So I am knackered and not fit to do much things, but the down side is when I get used to the new time-frame I will be back to uk.
That don't usually bother me and I get used to things quite easily before but since my body haven't been subdued to.....changes.....for the past 9 months it is a bit more difficult this time round. I am really tired!!!!!
The last few times I had been pretty depressed but that's over now. I am now back to sanity. I have bought a really fantastic 4gb memory stick. It have a crab on it. (I know I sound lame!!!) I was just playing with it last night and there was so much feature in built. I was just loving it.
I am now in hk but my internal clock is still in the uk timezone so everything is as people might say, upside down. When I eat at the right time my body tells me it is not and I feel pretty ill. When I had pretty much sleep my body tells me otherwise. So I am knackered and not fit to do much things, but the down side is when I get used to the new time-frame I will be back to uk.
That don't usually bother me and I get used to things quite easily before but since my body haven't been subdued to.....changes.....for the past 9 months it is a bit more difficult this time round. I am really tired!!!!!
The last few times I had been pretty depressed but that's over now. I am now back to sanity. I have bought a really fantastic 4gb memory stick. It have a crab on it. (I know I sound lame!!!) I was just playing with it last night and there was so much feature in built. I was just loving it.
2007/03/25
Don't want to sleep
It is now 0056. I should have been in bed two hours ago but I didn't want to sleep, though I am very tired yet again. I had just been onto facebook and decided to do stupid things again. I feel so much like a stalker. I honestly don't know why I get so fixated on someone and so easily too. I know self-isolation is not good but I just so enjoy the peace and quiet of not dealing with people issues. I know I have a tendency to run away. I dream about it too. Am I really that stubborn? So much that it is driving me crazy. Or was it the fear of being injured mentally nevermind physically.
Some good news was that the patient who passed out at 2:10pm, apparently most bad things happen at that time for him - there is some form of superstitious proof as that was already the fifth time that things stopped working at that time, is well and his operation is over though not without the regular patient complaints. This year at the volunteering place lots of things happened. It is a hospital afterall but the intensity of events was just awkward. My mum put it down to me getting along more with patients. I can live with that.
I have cracked the barrier of communicating with seniors now, it is the people of the same age that I need to get along with. Apparently it is the arrogance and looking down on people which I do, though I never noticed that, that is keeping me in isolation. With people of the same race it is usually the sense of responsibility to not let them be alone which forces me the open up. With others, it is usually the difference in interests and the level of maturity I was expecting that was holding me back. Then the was of course the thing which I mentioned. Though on my part I could defend my actions with the reason that I don't like joining in to a fully formed community or friendship ring. I have always been better friends with guys than girls so I wouldn't get too upset that I don't have many female friends. Then there is the problem of me being heterosexual and pretty desperate for some affection. It didn't matter a few years back or maybe more as I already had it in the form of my mum and brother and the notion of affection was only just developing. These last few years had been the hardest.
I was just thinking about sending a note on facebook to my ex-lab partner. He had been quite strange around me the week just gone. It would probably be me. Anyway, the note would be in a form of a letter that never got sent saying how I felt and so on. I am not going to do it but I honestly don't know why I keep thinking these things when I already decided not to do anything about this one. I was also thinking of a reason for his sudden change of action. The timing was so funny too. Just a day or two after I had written that quote he announced that he was going out with someone, on facebook of course. It didn't really mattered that much. I was very surprised at first anyway to find out that he wasn't taken already. I've side-tracked again. If I assumed that he read it and kept a distance then there are two possibilities, one is that he knew that was him and got scared, then the other, which is totally unrelated was that he actually reads my profile and inputs whilst I assume that no one does. Then there was the fact he would only knew that was talking about him if he had known me very well afterall it was in the quotes section. So, he couldn't have read it, why would he be curious about me anyway.
Then my thoughts drifted me to the scenario he didn't read that but was staying away from me only because of him actually having a girlfriend. Which heterosexual guy would stay away from just one girl only because he was going out with someone unless he cared about that other girl. That is false too as he honestly don't care. Which led to the final conclusion I have been sticking to him too much or my dependence on him had suddenly drifted away to another partner, well technically he is not my partner but as we have similar abilities and attitude we work together a lot. He wouldn't care anyway. He was only wasting time to get a degree then go into accounting for the money. I suddenly remembered the first time I worked with him. He asked me whether I trust him or not. I was going to say yes as most guys are unreliable. He proved me right on numerous occasions. I didn't tell him of course as he was the only one I had to rely on. I have learnt to trust him and now someone better with the chance that I can be the one actually ask questions I have unlearnt all that. It is funny that the other lab colleague was moaning to me about another colleague who don't read the manual and kept asking him stupid questions; then when she'd gone his face suddenly light up and was joking about the sudden peace and quiet. It was interesting to see that side of some people.
Oh, I just noticed something I had done which might have upset my ex-lab partner. He asked me on how to do some thing then I actually did the lot for him thinking that he always said that it would better if someone did all the work for him anyway. I shouldn't have done that. I will have to refrain from doing that next time, if there is a next time. Three more weeks in labs after Easter then pretty soon exams and I leave for Japan pretty much after that. So I get a whole year and three months to get over him, if he stayed on MChem. If not, I won't see him ever again. Just a few more months left then I guess I will just have to look forward to the next guy, which hopefully I wouldn't be too picky about and fall for the wrong guy again.
Some good news was that the patient who passed out at 2:10pm, apparently most bad things happen at that time for him - there is some form of superstitious proof as that was already the fifth time that things stopped working at that time, is well and his operation is over though not without the regular patient complaints. This year at the volunteering place lots of things happened. It is a hospital afterall but the intensity of events was just awkward. My mum put it down to me getting along more with patients. I can live with that.
I have cracked the barrier of communicating with seniors now, it is the people of the same age that I need to get along with. Apparently it is the arrogance and looking down on people which I do, though I never noticed that, that is keeping me in isolation. With people of the same race it is usually the sense of responsibility to not let them be alone which forces me the open up. With others, it is usually the difference in interests and the level of maturity I was expecting that was holding me back. Then the was of course the thing which I mentioned. Though on my part I could defend my actions with the reason that I don't like joining in to a fully formed community or friendship ring. I have always been better friends with guys than girls so I wouldn't get too upset that I don't have many female friends. Then there is the problem of me being heterosexual and pretty desperate for some affection. It didn't matter a few years back or maybe more as I already had it in the form of my mum and brother and the notion of affection was only just developing. These last few years had been the hardest.
I was just thinking about sending a note on facebook to my ex-lab partner. He had been quite strange around me the week just gone. It would probably be me. Anyway, the note would be in a form of a letter that never got sent saying how I felt and so on. I am not going to do it but I honestly don't know why I keep thinking these things when I already decided not to do anything about this one. I was also thinking of a reason for his sudden change of action. The timing was so funny too. Just a day or two after I had written that quote he announced that he was going out with someone, on facebook of course. It didn't really mattered that much. I was very surprised at first anyway to find out that he wasn't taken already. I've side-tracked again. If I assumed that he read it and kept a distance then there are two possibilities, one is that he knew that was him and got scared, then the other, which is totally unrelated was that he actually reads my profile and inputs whilst I assume that no one does. Then there was the fact he would only knew that was talking about him if he had known me very well afterall it was in the quotes section. So, he couldn't have read it, why would he be curious about me anyway.
Then my thoughts drifted me to the scenario he didn't read that but was staying away from me only because of him actually having a girlfriend. Which heterosexual guy would stay away from just one girl only because he was going out with someone unless he cared about that other girl. That is false too as he honestly don't care. Which led to the final conclusion I have been sticking to him too much or my dependence on him had suddenly drifted away to another partner, well technically he is not my partner but as we have similar abilities and attitude we work together a lot. He wouldn't care anyway. He was only wasting time to get a degree then go into accounting for the money. I suddenly remembered the first time I worked with him. He asked me whether I trust him or not. I was going to say yes as most guys are unreliable. He proved me right on numerous occasions. I didn't tell him of course as he was the only one I had to rely on. I have learnt to trust him and now someone better with the chance that I can be the one actually ask questions I have unlearnt all that. It is funny that the other lab colleague was moaning to me about another colleague who don't read the manual and kept asking him stupid questions; then when she'd gone his face suddenly light up and was joking about the sudden peace and quiet. It was interesting to see that side of some people.
Oh, I just noticed something I had done which might have upset my ex-lab partner. He asked me on how to do some thing then I actually did the lot for him thinking that he always said that it would better if someone did all the work for him anyway. I shouldn't have done that. I will have to refrain from doing that next time, if there is a next time. Three more weeks in labs after Easter then pretty soon exams and I leave for Japan pretty much after that. So I get a whole year and three months to get over him, if he stayed on MChem. If not, I won't see him ever again. Just a few more months left then I guess I will just have to look forward to the next guy, which hopefully I wouldn't be too picky about and fall for the wrong guy again.
2007/03/23
Last minute
I have been told off by my mum for leaving things to the last minute. She was right and therefore I was late and so didn't turn up to the first lecture. I had a really bad headache last night and so went to bed leaving the hard job, which should have only taken half an hour to do, for the morning. As I still wasn't properly rested in the morning I woke up at normal hour for today and skipped breakfast to complete the work. As you may imagine drawing to ratio was very hard. I don't know why I wouldn't be satisfied with just a sketch!! (It was a drawing of Primitive Close Packed and Face-centred Cubic Close Packed for all those solid state chemists interested.) So I left the house 15 minutes after I was sure that I will be late, being optimistic that the bus will take the fastest experienced time to reach uni. Yeah I got here 15 minutes after the lecture actually started, so I didn't go. Well after the lecture on being late last time I don't think I will turn up after 10 minutes.
I forgot to mention last night (yes, I should have gone to bed then!) that I walked home from my old school. The bus decided to stop there and wait for back-up because of foul smell. I wasn't in the best of moods and emotionally pretty knackered so I thought the cold wet walk back home would be good. Needless to say I was pretty soaked, but I did have a rain coat. It felt so nice to relive the time when I only got upset rather than tearful when the guy wasn't interested. I guess the pain increases with every crush. At least I am not as bothered about the Arabic crush anymore, which was all that I intended myself to do. It sounds really strange like emotions are something that could be controlled and planned. Anyway, it was mostly my lack of intuition and openess which caused the most pain.
The lecture that I sat here through is almost over. I should really go to my next lecture/test now.
I forgot to mention last night (yes, I should have gone to bed then!) that I walked home from my old school. The bus decided to stop there and wait for back-up because of foul smell. I wasn't in the best of moods and emotionally pretty knackered so I thought the cold wet walk back home would be good. Needless to say I was pretty soaked, but I did have a rain coat. It felt so nice to relive the time when I only got upset rather than tearful when the guy wasn't interested. I guess the pain increases with every crush. At least I am not as bothered about the Arabic crush anymore, which was all that I intended myself to do. It sounds really strange like emotions are something that could be controlled and planned. Anyway, it was mostly my lack of intuition and openess which caused the most pain.
The lecture that I sat here through is almost over. I should really go to my next lecture/test now.
Confused
I found out yesterday that my ex-lab partner is going out with someone. I was pretty upset as my dream was shattered but glad too as I could finally stop dreaming. I never was going to do anything anyway. If it is meant to be it will be. He have been cold to me lately but who wouldn't when there was hint that something wasn't right. He said that I was cold last week and so what? I am. I know I am and I have always been. My mum told me to break down that wall I keep building myself. Isolation and loneliness then complain about all that. What if I do and don't want to change that? It is fair to say I don't know how to get along with people or join in. I never wanted to squeeze into a fully formed friendship circle. If joining in meant that I have to act like children with dangerous equipment during times when we should be working then I rather not do all that. I have been known to play hard when we were not supposed to work but at uni we were meant to work and more work done during the day more time saved for the night to do all the heart's content. At a place of work we should work.
I don't know why him going out with someone, not me, would hurt me this much. I knew it all the way from the beginning. Yes, he was the first one who could help me forget my Arabic crush when I was in his presence but surely being prepared should have made it this painful! I was constantly reliving the distance I suddenly felt today. For one reason I may have been extra cold to him just to shield my emotions, another reason was that he actually read my quote and thought that it was him. I did write it with my ex-lab partner in mind but it was just a general comment and observation. Anyway, assuming that he didn't read that......ok it is me being cold. That comment he made last week haunted me so much on my way home it's unbelievable. Maybe it's just people of the similar age-group that suffers from my harsh attitude. I'm not going to change, until they are worth it, as people do grow.
I don't know why him going out with someone, not me, would hurt me this much. I knew it all the way from the beginning. Yes, he was the first one who could help me forget my Arabic crush when I was in his presence but surely being prepared should have made it this painful! I was constantly reliving the distance I suddenly felt today. For one reason I may have been extra cold to him just to shield my emotions, another reason was that he actually read my quote and thought that it was him. I did write it with my ex-lab partner in mind but it was just a general comment and observation. Anyway, assuming that he didn't read that......ok it is me being cold. That comment he made last week haunted me so much on my way home it's unbelievable. Maybe it's just people of the similar age-group that suffers from my harsh attitude. I'm not going to change, until they are worth it, as people do grow.
2007/03/16
Update
I just thought that I should update on the suggestion that I would be wearing a skirt to uni this week. I have completely gave up on the idea since the weather was sunny but freezing, in the hours which I leave home and leave Uni. Also I went to bed a bit too late on the weekends to tuesday which meant that I was even more frail. I have already been coughing and sniffing the past two days which meant that I really shouldn't do anything stupid. There is also the fact that I have labs on Thurs and Fri which have a Health and Safety requirement of complete coverage in case of accidents and mishaps. Even though it is only physical, where we spent most of the time chatting away, that regulation still have to be kept. So, for all those wondering why scientists, particularly chemists, don't dress up that is the reason.
I am still stuck in uni with absolutely nothing to do, well there is but as I will be spending all the later hours after half one doing it anyway - you get the picture.
I think I have got my life back onto a routine again. However, the hol starts after next week. I really wish that three weeks wouldn't have done as much damage as the Christmas period. To be honest there were lots of things happening then where emotionally there was a heavy burden. Anyway I really need to catch up on the things I want to do and the things that I should do. I have lagged behind so much that it is not going to be easy to catch back up for at least 6 months. By that time I would already have done the exams.
Anyway, back to work for me.
I am still stuck in uni with absolutely nothing to do, well there is but as I will be spending all the later hours after half one doing it anyway - you get the picture.
I think I have got my life back onto a routine again. However, the hol starts after next week. I really wish that three weeks wouldn't have done as much damage as the Christmas period. To be honest there were lots of things happening then where emotionally there was a heavy burden. Anyway I really need to catch up on the things I want to do and the things that I should do. I have lagged behind so much that it is not going to be easy to catch back up for at least 6 months. By that time I would already have done the exams.
Anyway, back to work for me.
2007/03/13
Tuesday
Two members of my tutorial group was giggling at the tutorial yesterday. I don't know why but today I felt really upset about it. It shouldn't really matter at all but I still don't know why it had affected me so much. I had the compulsion to cry. I didn't cry out but my eyes were swollen ready to do so. I haven't felt this sad for some time now. The last time was because my grandpa went into A&E then to have to have his kidney removed. That time was because of my inability to do anything though. This time, I really don't know what it is.
I had been evaluating my emotions again. I keep doing things which I shouldn't. I told myself not to do it but somehow I still do and each time it gets more desperate than the time before. What should I do to protect myself from myself? I know very well that it is me who is doing all the damage I am enduring but how am I supposed to deal with the root of the problem when that is out of my control?
I am depressed but I won't seek medication for help as fighting on my own will make me stronger. Some methods which I employ may be wrong but I am trying. Thank you to Dave who have given me some confidence in myself. I saw that he cares and notices but I am too unstable to be a good friend to him. It may sound ridiculous but I form an emotional connection to all the people I know. Everything I did or said to that person which affected them to some extent reciprocates back to me and the guilt and pain, that person may have, I feel. I should just ignore it but they haunts me in my sleep, sometimes for months, in extreme cases even years.
I am having problems with myself, my perpectives and the things which are important to me. I won't ask for help or rely on anyone to help me. Someday, sometime I will walk out of the shadow, whatever that may be, and be the person I want to be.
I had been evaluating my emotions again. I keep doing things which I shouldn't. I told myself not to do it but somehow I still do and each time it gets more desperate than the time before. What should I do to protect myself from myself? I know very well that it is me who is doing all the damage I am enduring but how am I supposed to deal with the root of the problem when that is out of my control?
I am depressed but I won't seek medication for help as fighting on my own will make me stronger. Some methods which I employ may be wrong but I am trying. Thank you to Dave who have given me some confidence in myself. I saw that he cares and notices but I am too unstable to be a good friend to him. It may sound ridiculous but I form an emotional connection to all the people I know. Everything I did or said to that person which affected them to some extent reciprocates back to me and the guilt and pain, that person may have, I feel. I should just ignore it but they haunts me in my sleep, sometimes for months, in extreme cases even years.
I am having problems with myself, my perpectives and the things which are important to me. I won't ask for help or rely on anyone to help me. Someday, sometime I will walk out of the shadow, whatever that may be, and be the person I want to be.
2007/03/12
Another late night
Tonight was another late night because I was doing my listening, due in tomorrow. I really do wonder if I will remember my Japanese folder tomorrow morning.
I was planning to wear a skirt tomorrow. Will I do it?? It IS freezing but that is meant to be a winter skirt....so.....fingers crossed.
I have been thinking really weird things lately. I have been persuading myself again that I have hope yet for another guy. I honestly don't know why I do it. I keep telling myself that is not true but somehow I still think otherwise.
My English grammar is getting better, but my japanese or Chinese aren't. The grammar ability of mine are like a weighing scale. It really depends on the language mode I'm in. I do know that it sounds really funny but I am definitely not kidding. I can gurantee that after the year in japan both my chinese and English will sound ridiculous. Even though it isn't exactly grammar perfect now.
Every time I close my eyes I see my ex-lab partner which is really frustrating. I think of my arabic crush's name but I see my ex-lab partner. Which is very confusing. On one sense I am getting over my arabic crush, the other.....I am going to get into another big mess. If I ended up liking my ex-lab partner as much as my arabic crush I am so going to fall into pieces. He isn't the type of guy (was going to say men but but he is more like a boy) that I would trust to be support me mentally. My Arabic crush was, so much so that the coincidences which never happened made me decide to let go. I had been trying for so long too. My ex-lab partner.....I don't know what it is but he sometimes show a mature side. Sometimes he say gentle words which are heart-warming and relaxing. Just last Thursday when I found out that my experiments (well, our experiment) gave an extremely weird result and whatever I do, including checking the values and my maths, I started to get angry at myself. All he said to my uneasy self was don't worry and as if it was a miracle my hands stopped shaking. Anyone would say that, maybe not literally anyone, but somehow I felt at ease. His voice was very soft then. His usual cheeky smile and annoying comments were gone. It is really strange. I wish that he won't do that anymore before I finally convinced myself that he does care about me. I would go insane if that happened.
I have been listening to Take That's Beautiful World album and at this moment it is on Patience. There are so many good songs on there. By the way, I am kind of hijacking my brother's files (haha). I am really liking them.
Anyway it is actually 1:30am so I really should get to bed.....my first lecture starts at 10am.
Good night from this moment.
I was planning to wear a skirt tomorrow. Will I do it?? It IS freezing but that is meant to be a winter skirt....so.....fingers crossed.
I have been thinking really weird things lately. I have been persuading myself again that I have hope yet for another guy. I honestly don't know why I do it. I keep telling myself that is not true but somehow I still think otherwise.
My English grammar is getting better, but my japanese or Chinese aren't. The grammar ability of mine are like a weighing scale. It really depends on the language mode I'm in. I do know that it sounds really funny but I am definitely not kidding. I can gurantee that after the year in japan both my chinese and English will sound ridiculous. Even though it isn't exactly grammar perfect now.
Every time I close my eyes I see my ex-lab partner which is really frustrating. I think of my arabic crush's name but I see my ex-lab partner. Which is very confusing. On one sense I am getting over my arabic crush, the other.....I am going to get into another big mess. If I ended up liking my ex-lab partner as much as my arabic crush I am so going to fall into pieces. He isn't the type of guy (was going to say men but but he is more like a boy) that I would trust to be support me mentally. My Arabic crush was, so much so that the coincidences which never happened made me decide to let go. I had been trying for so long too. My ex-lab partner.....I don't know what it is but he sometimes show a mature side. Sometimes he say gentle words which are heart-warming and relaxing. Just last Thursday when I found out that my experiments (well, our experiment) gave an extremely weird result and whatever I do, including checking the values and my maths, I started to get angry at myself. All he said to my uneasy self was don't worry and as if it was a miracle my hands stopped shaking. Anyone would say that, maybe not literally anyone, but somehow I felt at ease. His voice was very soft then. His usual cheeky smile and annoying comments were gone. It is really strange. I wish that he won't do that anymore before I finally convinced myself that he does care about me. I would go insane if that happened.
I have been listening to Take That's Beautiful World album and at this moment it is on Patience. There are so many good songs on there. By the way, I am kind of hijacking my brother's files (haha). I am really liking them.
Anyway it is actually 1:30am so I really should get to bed.....my first lecture starts at 10am.
Good night from this moment.
2007/03/10
Good morning
Good morning to everybody. I am actually very tired but since I got to the pc I just got this internet addiction which I am currently trying to satisfy. People say that it work-related illness but I prefer it to be called a social illness.
Anyway. I went to bed an hour earlier than now yesterday, trying to get my coursework in yesterday. I was knackered. Why am I here now is purely because I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 10 pm, probably later and....believe it or not....got interested in the fantastic homepage area on google. So I had been playing around on that. but that was after the hour I spent on writing an e-mail to my friend. I think that after today I will probably spend less time on aol games and more on google. That kind of makes it worse as I don't necessarily need to wait for loading times to get some games on, which usually puts me off playing them (for my case it is a good thing).
Why I am here when I should really be in bed is because I had a really strange dream which I woke up on. I was fighting with my ex-lab partner like I used to with my brother. I think I have really fallen in love with him. There are plus and minus points about him. He had been increasingly helpful in labs but if he had worked a bit harder he would probably be the person I rely on rather than the other guy who I seemed to ask for help much more often and consequently work with more often.....even though he isn't really in my team. So, we are pretty much working together on the last two comparatively major projects.
Ooh, I finally started to get to know the only guy in our group who always get forgotten. My ex-lab partner made an awful statement about him not talking much. I actually agreed to that. How mean of me. The only reason that he don't talk to people is almost the exact same as the reason why I don't go and talk to people in the first place. No-one actually talked to us. I don't like pushing myself to people who are already in friendship groups and it is very understandable if he doesn't communicate with us as, firstly, the last 6 of us - alphabetically of course - are in the same tutorial group and, secondly, that second guy I mentioned was already pretty close to his partner, the other girl who's not in my tutorial group. This third guy can be pretty sociable. It is just that I often give too much information, a habit which I think I got off from working with the patients at the hospital where I will be going back to later today.
I will finish this at 3am so I best do my fastest typing yet.
What was I going to say anyway. My main purpose was to claim victory over the miserable days I had for the past two years. I had become so accustomed to my ex-lab partner's insults and contradictions that it is becoming uncomfortable when he don't do that. I have been talking loads about him, particularly because he annoyed me at the start and his sociable character and humourous personality allowed me to become my true self, clumsy and talker without thinking, which often lead to loads of laughter. Well the last statement isn't wholly true as I am often switching channels between the language of my thinking to the language of speaking. The words are often right, just the grammar which isn't. Yesterday I said that breath contains air, which is the bleeding obvious when I meant water, which messes up the reaction. Then I just did a copy cat and the person who I copied from then said that I was stupid to do that. That is just contradiction, to the full, and that was my ex-lab partner too (well, again).
I will probably revert to the days when I scribble away in my diary about seeing him again. It is impossible not to in the university environment, with the sudden introduction the lectures, and the fact that I start looking for him - not physically of course! Dreaming about him is not a good start either.
I wonder how my Arabic crush had been. I have been finally moving on and I know he had too. I do wonder if he have a new girl dreaming about him in the obvious. I know he thought about me much but I just wasn't brave enough to let him know that I think about him lots too. I cried too much for him and the coincidences that I wanted to happen never did. I pleaded so much to see him when I went into A&E. I wanted to let him know how much I still loved him. It was just too painful. I probably should just forget about the past and let him through in october but giving him up was the only option left. As if! I just wasn't brave enough to love him. I was scared, very scared.
It is way past 3am now. I am going to bed....for the second time tonight.
Good night!
Anyway. I went to bed an hour earlier than now yesterday, trying to get my coursework in yesterday. I was knackered. Why am I here now is purely because I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 10 pm, probably later and....believe it or not....got interested in the fantastic homepage area on google. So I had been playing around on that. but that was after the hour I spent on writing an e-mail to my friend. I think that after today I will probably spend less time on aol games and more on google. That kind of makes it worse as I don't necessarily need to wait for loading times to get some games on, which usually puts me off playing them (for my case it is a good thing).
Why I am here when I should really be in bed is because I had a really strange dream which I woke up on. I was fighting with my ex-lab partner like I used to with my brother. I think I have really fallen in love with him. There are plus and minus points about him. He had been increasingly helpful in labs but if he had worked a bit harder he would probably be the person I rely on rather than the other guy who I seemed to ask for help much more often and consequently work with more often.....even though he isn't really in my team. So, we are pretty much working together on the last two comparatively major projects.
Ooh, I finally started to get to know the only guy in our group who always get forgotten. My ex-lab partner made an awful statement about him not talking much. I actually agreed to that. How mean of me. The only reason that he don't talk to people is almost the exact same as the reason why I don't go and talk to people in the first place. No-one actually talked to us. I don't like pushing myself to people who are already in friendship groups and it is very understandable if he doesn't communicate with us as, firstly, the last 6 of us - alphabetically of course - are in the same tutorial group and, secondly, that second guy I mentioned was already pretty close to his partner, the other girl who's not in my tutorial group. This third guy can be pretty sociable. It is just that I often give too much information, a habit which I think I got off from working with the patients at the hospital where I will be going back to later today.
I will finish this at 3am so I best do my fastest typing yet.
What was I going to say anyway. My main purpose was to claim victory over the miserable days I had for the past two years. I had become so accustomed to my ex-lab partner's insults and contradictions that it is becoming uncomfortable when he don't do that. I have been talking loads about him, particularly because he annoyed me at the start and his sociable character and humourous personality allowed me to become my true self, clumsy and talker without thinking, which often lead to loads of laughter. Well the last statement isn't wholly true as I am often switching channels between the language of my thinking to the language of speaking. The words are often right, just the grammar which isn't. Yesterday I said that breath contains air, which is the bleeding obvious when I meant water, which messes up the reaction. Then I just did a copy cat and the person who I copied from then said that I was stupid to do that. That is just contradiction, to the full, and that was my ex-lab partner too (well, again).
I will probably revert to the days when I scribble away in my diary about seeing him again. It is impossible not to in the university environment, with the sudden introduction the lectures, and the fact that I start looking for him - not physically of course! Dreaming about him is not a good start either.
I wonder how my Arabic crush had been. I have been finally moving on and I know he had too. I do wonder if he have a new girl dreaming about him in the obvious. I know he thought about me much but I just wasn't brave enough to let him know that I think about him lots too. I cried too much for him and the coincidences that I wanted to happen never did. I pleaded so much to see him when I went into A&E. I wanted to let him know how much I still loved him. It was just too painful. I probably should just forget about the past and let him through in october but giving him up was the only option left. As if! I just wasn't brave enough to love him. I was scared, very scared.
It is way past 3am now. I am going to bed....for the second time tonight.
Good night!
2007/02/28
Calm seas after the storm
haha. I just thought that title was very appropiate for today. I have finally arranged a date and time for 'our' presentation. It is in the week where everyone said they don't want to do it, most of them anyway. I hope they have prepared enough. I just need a calm night then I am sorted, which might be impossible - in that case a few nights.
I couldn't concentrate on any big project last night. I really need to find ways of calming myself down quicker. It is really taking too long for the calmness to come back when I finally released the beast. Sometimes I feel more than I should and release less than necessary. It can be tiring. Then with my direct personality; my mum reminded me last night of how tiring that will be; I have to be more than ready to take any criticism and disrespect face on.
I noticed how much I can take on if I suddenly became team leader. It was harder in this presentation sense as all of us were equals. Yet, if I didn't take on the role I wouldn't have known what I can do and what I should do. So, all in all, it was a nice outcome.
I couldn't concentrate on any big project last night. I really need to find ways of calming myself down quicker. It is really taking too long for the calmness to come back when I finally released the beast. Sometimes I feel more than I should and release less than necessary. It can be tiring. Then with my direct personality; my mum reminded me last night of how tiring that will be; I have to be more than ready to take any criticism and disrespect face on.
I noticed how much I can take on if I suddenly became team leader. It was harder in this presentation sense as all of us were equals. Yet, if I didn't take on the role I wouldn't have known what I can do and what I should do. So, all in all, it was a nice outcome.
2007/02/27
HELP!!!!!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have always been capable to coping with stress but today I just felt like I was falling into pieces. I have never felt like that before. Was it due to the music or was it just me being too much of a perfectionist and always complicating things?
I arranged for my team to meet up again today to finish the presentation. There was a suprising turnout. The guy who didn't turn up last time came. He was a bit like a lemon and the things he said made me panic, on top of the fact that me out of all people was late. Then, I didn't allow myself enough time to rearrange the information I had taken in over the past two days whilst trying to explain to him what was going on, which complicated the matter to a much bigger extent. Then everyone kept asking me what they should be doing. I am really wondering what I was thinking or planning? I was hoping for a discussion of our findings like last time but then again the other time was just inputing the information onto a powerpoint. Either way the lack of preparation on their part made me feel really tired. The sudden pressure of supporting them was getting onto me. I honestly don't know what I have taken on. These were some of the reason why I didn't want to become a team leader. I like solving theoretical problems not personnel issues and other people's lack of instinctive thinking. I am glad that we at least of one other guy who's reliable and had actually did some research. I drifted fairly far whilst he actually got the thing straight on. Lastly, we finally agreed to let the others gaggle on while we try to finish it off on the day. That is going to be very stressful.
Now that's off my chest I can finally relax and start on the work that I should be doing.
I just thought of something. I think I know why this time I had an almost nervous breakdown. I was sorting out my application whilst trying to get our presentation sorted. I tend to suppress my panic until I could do so and that panic never was actually expressed as I was forcing myself to focus on the readings I have to do by today; then the shortening fuse was suddenly lit when the unexpected people turned up. That was why!! I know now. Well on top of the fact that I didn't really do much planning. I think I have somehow ended up trusting them not to turn up so that I will do the work myself or otherwise with one or two other people. I really have to stop thinking about it and get some much needed attention on my tutorial and Japanese writing.
I arranged for my team to meet up again today to finish the presentation. There was a suprising turnout. The guy who didn't turn up last time came. He was a bit like a lemon and the things he said made me panic, on top of the fact that me out of all people was late. Then, I didn't allow myself enough time to rearrange the information I had taken in over the past two days whilst trying to explain to him what was going on, which complicated the matter to a much bigger extent. Then everyone kept asking me what they should be doing. I am really wondering what I was thinking or planning? I was hoping for a discussion of our findings like last time but then again the other time was just inputing the information onto a powerpoint. Either way the lack of preparation on their part made me feel really tired. The sudden pressure of supporting them was getting onto me. I honestly don't know what I have taken on. These were some of the reason why I didn't want to become a team leader. I like solving theoretical problems not personnel issues and other people's lack of instinctive thinking. I am glad that we at least of one other guy who's reliable and had actually did some research. I drifted fairly far whilst he actually got the thing straight on. Lastly, we finally agreed to let the others gaggle on while we try to finish it off on the day. That is going to be very stressful.
Now that's off my chest I can finally relax and start on the work that I should be doing.
I just thought of something. I think I know why this time I had an almost nervous breakdown. I was sorting out my application whilst trying to get our presentation sorted. I tend to suppress my panic until I could do so and that panic never was actually expressed as I was forcing myself to focus on the readings I have to do by today; then the shortening fuse was suddenly lit when the unexpected people turned up. That was why!! I know now. Well on top of the fact that I didn't really do much planning. I think I have somehow ended up trusting them not to turn up so that I will do the work myself or otherwise with one or two other people. I really have to stop thinking about it and get some much needed attention on my tutorial and Japanese writing.
2007/02/23
Friday
It will be nice if someone actually told me that they had a lecture at 12pm. Then at least I wouldn't sound so unreasonable. The three words 'I can't come' would have been sufficient!!! Why then nobody actually said it. It will also let me know that they honestly don't care. It also annoys me that two of the more important 'players', only because their results were not duplicated, happened to be the ones who could have said that they couldn't make it. How hard is it? I am extra-frustrated because I am tired, exhausted and not feeling well at all. It is just annoying to the top. I will probably calm down in a bit but right now I am just frustrated. I will have to finish the presentation by myself now. I best press-on.
2007/02/19
Exam results
I picked up my results from January today. I have been avoiding it all last week, but when I finally got the courage to go, he is not in. How lucky am I? I already knew that I killed my exams with the lack of concentration during revision period but at least that gap isn't too far so that I can never get that first honour. I am pretty upset though. To be expected really, I always mess up my exams!!!
I am very emotional and that had been getting in the way of me actually doing my work. People have suddenly became a distraction. I remember in Y13 I practically locked myself up in my bedroom and went through all the text books I had in my house and then spending hours and hours on end working. Now that I don't have to work as much as before this seemed to be making me less enthusiastic about my work. It is pretty annoying but I guess it had to be dealt with. It isn't making it easier with the fact that my dad is hanging around me like a ghost. It really distracts me. Also by acting like a father and not being one from the beginning is making me resent him even more. I absolutely hate him. I would like it very much if he will just live away from me. At least I will not hate him as much.
I don't really like my ex-lab partner, I just noticed. He is a distraction but only because he say things which others wouldn't it made me feel less neglected. I brought it onto myself anyway but what the heck, I probably won't ever see him again after this year.
I probably should get some work done, just so that I can average above 70 by the end of this year.
I am very emotional and that had been getting in the way of me actually doing my work. People have suddenly became a distraction. I remember in Y13 I practically locked myself up in my bedroom and went through all the text books I had in my house and then spending hours and hours on end working. Now that I don't have to work as much as before this seemed to be making me less enthusiastic about my work. It is pretty annoying but I guess it had to be dealt with. It isn't making it easier with the fact that my dad is hanging around me like a ghost. It really distracts me. Also by acting like a father and not being one from the beginning is making me resent him even more. I absolutely hate him. I would like it very much if he will just live away from me. At least I will not hate him as much.
I don't really like my ex-lab partner, I just noticed. He is a distraction but only because he say things which others wouldn't it made me feel less neglected. I brought it onto myself anyway but what the heck, I probably won't ever see him again after this year.
I probably should get some work done, just so that I can average above 70 by the end of this year.
2007/02/13
Day before Valentines' Day
In the last few years I have gotten exceptionally frustrated around this time of year. I can start telling you how I felt since I started taking notice of the day. The first year I was very nervous but happy as I called a guy's home and told him, "Happy Valentine's Day", but not long enough to leave a name. But that friendship also finished then and there, as once he found out he didn't know how to get along with me anymore and vice versa; we were only in year 9 then. The strange thing was the two Valentine's Day after that was pretty normal and I never even thought about it.
Then at sixth form. The first one was excited and nerve-wracking as this time I celebrated it face to face. Even though I ran, I totally regretted wrapping it. It was a small keyring in which I tweaked so that it would be lost easily. There was a little secret with it but I am not going to tell you about it. That was fun but I ran away.......a lot. I was kind of afraid of rejection but that happened anyway the year after that, with the same guy. He is also the reason that why this year and last had been so upsetting. The truth is I am still in love with him. When I see couples holding hands and hanging around I would sometimes think that what would happen if those two had been me and him. If something had been done differently would we have been like that. It really is wrong and you might ask why aren't I with him. I would just have to say I have become too accustomed to calling for him when I needed someone and many many times I was half-way across the world hoping for him to be there. I had become so frail that I don't even know if that was me anymore. Maybe it was just that one expectation that I'd hope he will meet but never did. For those who want to care, that is the confidence to initiate the first conversation and to stop me when I was about to run.
Then at sixth form. The first one was excited and nerve-wracking as this time I celebrated it face to face. Even though I ran, I totally regretted wrapping it. It was a small keyring in which I tweaked so that it would be lost easily. There was a little secret with it but I am not going to tell you about it. That was fun but I ran away.......a lot. I was kind of afraid of rejection but that happened anyway the year after that, with the same guy. He is also the reason that why this year and last had been so upsetting. The truth is I am still in love with him. When I see couples holding hands and hanging around I would sometimes think that what would happen if those two had been me and him. If something had been done differently would we have been like that. It really is wrong and you might ask why aren't I with him. I would just have to say I have become too accustomed to calling for him when I needed someone and many many times I was half-way across the world hoping for him to be there. I had become so frail that I don't even know if that was me anymore. Maybe it was just that one expectation that I'd hope he will meet but never did. For those who want to care, that is the confidence to initiate the first conversation and to stop me when I was about to run.
2007/02/07
First week back from exams
Well I have been spoilt with an excessive Christmas hol. I am now suffering from fatigue with waking up about 4 hours earlier than usual whilst still going to bed at the same time. Even thought the air is fresher now that the front door gets opened more frequently I still feel pretty house-bound. I am definitely more suited to a busy life-style, but the problems is my enthusiasm tends to fade when I don't want them to. Or when I get too enthusiastic I can't really organise the events and thoughts in my head. So yeah, I have been doing nothing to doing something within a day. To make it even more interesting I have a full day off after a full day in doing work.
I probably should be doing work right now, as I am in the University library, but I can't honestly think of what it is that I should be doing. Yes, there is the Hard and Soft Acids and Bases journal from 1963 sitting beside my computer keyboard but there is the internet! I am tempted to go on games websites, I confess that I am addicted to them. I have somehow found what I was supposed to do right now and had been doing that for the past 15 minutes or so. Therefore it is a short bye for now.
I probably should be doing work right now, as I am in the University library, but I can't honestly think of what it is that I should be doing. Yes, there is the Hard and Soft Acids and Bases journal from 1963 sitting beside my computer keyboard but there is the internet! I am tempted to go on games websites, I confess that I am addicted to them. I have somehow found what I was supposed to do right now and had been doing that for the past 15 minutes or so. Therefore it is a short bye for now.
2007/01/11
late in the night
It hadn't been that long since I last had an entry here. Well firstly it is official that everyone around me are paired, even my little brother who should have been concentrating on his A-levels. Well it HAD been long over-dued anyway. My two best friend are finally going out with the right guy. It had been a big confusion and just needed a little pushing but they are nearly there. Then there is me who is still very stubborn. I had a chance with a law student who was graduating soon, but I didn't want to think about it. Then, it had been the most stressful few days I had ever had, after that very first Valentine's Day with my three-year crush anyway. Well you can say that I threw away one great future but it didn't matter because what he may be able to achieve in the future I am just as capable of doing the same. (It helps too as my crush was a medical student.) I still think it is rather a shame that just one lunch would have been enough to lose a friend. It is a shame that I hadn't met him before I started loving someone. You may say that I am regretting it now, as I did build the brick wall, but there are other guys out there who interests me. Firstly there is this guy in my tutor group, his ancestry is definitely not English but that is not important; my three-year crush was Arabic, no other race or ancestry can be any worse than that, but then again he wasn't a traditional Muslim - I don't honestly think that he is one too but that really depends on how good my observation skills were. Got a little side-tracked, then there is my ex-lab partner this year who I know will never happen, but it don't hurt to hope. He treats me like all my male friends did before KES which made me feel at home. He teases me a lot and gets on my nerves sometimes but it just wouldn't happen, he is way too popular to give me the security that right now only my little brother could give me. It is quite strange I know but what do you expect when he had been the only guy ever to look after me when I needed someone the most..........since very young........and had always been the one to sort out all the problems in the most light-hearted way. There is also another funny thing I had noticed about myself around my ex-lab partner, it is either I had matured and just calmed down, I don't fight back or argue back to him. I just let him say what he wants even if they sometimes were personal. Actually thinking about it might just be because it came from the mouth of a guy. My male friends back at my first secondary school said similar types of annoying comments and I just fought back. I can't remember how though. I got angry with one or two but I am not sure if I ever just let them say what they wanted. Anyway, over the past few weeks the guy in my tutor group kept coming up when i thought about likely mates. It had got something to do with the dream I had but dreams are always a reflection of what our heart and soul are thinking about. There were two guys in that dream, and one of my best friend, but only that guy from my tutor group was a clear figure. so that is probably why I had been so fixated on asking him out. Like the last guy I tried that on, three-year crush - well it wasn't really called asking out(!), I will mess it up and my words will get cluttered. It started off just like now though that other guy was more in the foreground than the background. So, I am not going to try anything again. He did reply to my season's greetings which made him a more attractive choice but he might just be polite as opposed to all the other 15 or so guys and gals who I've sent those messages to. I was feeling a bit strange that day I sent it so I wasn't really expecting a reply anyway. There was one other guy but he is disappointing me a little and the honest truth is I don't find him attractive only because his enthusiasm to find friends annoys me. I am desperate for someone to give me that hug but just not THAT desperate. Then there is another guy who I have messed up so much that it really isn't worth going back to. Well I feel really guilty for what I am doing to him now. I give him a little hope then I ignore him as if a friend like him is some big secret. I really don't know what the hell I am thinking. I just know that I am annoying him very VERY much. But he spends quite a lot of time closely sitting behind me in lectures which is making me feel more pressured into keeping a distance. I don't honestly know why I keep doing things like this. Well the excuse that I had been saying to myself was that they don't honestly want their friends to know they have a friend like me, but I had been his facebook friend from way back in the beginning which felt a little contradictory.
I really miss my Arabic crush. It will be interesting to see how I will feel when we meet again after I started going out with someone, which will not happen soon. I know that he is still on English soil and not anywhere near the battlefield where his homeland may be. That's all I needed to know. He is safe here in Sheffield and is still well. I am grateful that the heavens had given me the chance to see him one last time before I move on. I wish him health and happiness.
I really miss my Arabic crush. It will be interesting to see how I will feel when we meet again after I started going out with someone, which will not happen soon. I know that he is still on English soil and not anywhere near the battlefield where his homeland may be. That's all I needed to know. He is safe here in Sheffield and is still well. I am grateful that the heavens had given me the chance to see him one last time before I move on. I wish him health and happiness.
2007/01/01
New Year, New Resolutions
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE, to those who are reading this anyway. Like always everyone would start with a New Year Resolution. Mine............get good exams results, meaning lots of revision........and hopefully say bye bye to singledom, only because my two best friends are sorted - kind of - and so is my brother. The honest truth is that might not happen this year either since I am a little retarded, in the classic sense.
My dad has finally gone away. I am relieved. It may sound terrible but last night I was really upset, NOT because my dad was going today, but because my mum was all alone in hk cleaning the apartment as she was bored and I really missed Ayman. I couldn't stop thinking about him last night. I have never felt so lonely than over the past two weeks. I kept going through the list of guys who I might ask out even though that will never happen as I know the wrong choice will probably mess up my already struggling mind trying to focus on work.
Anyway it should be best if I just keep my New Year "events" coming as they like. Whatever I plan never comes out as I want it anyway.
My dad has finally gone away. I am relieved. It may sound terrible but last night I was really upset, NOT because my dad was going today, but because my mum was all alone in hk cleaning the apartment as she was bored and I really missed Ayman. I couldn't stop thinking about him last night. I have never felt so lonely than over the past two weeks. I kept going through the list of guys who I might ask out even though that will never happen as I know the wrong choice will probably mess up my already struggling mind trying to focus on work.
Anyway it should be best if I just keep my New Year "events" coming as they like. Whatever I plan never comes out as I want it anyway.
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