haha. I just thought that title was very appropiate for today. I have finally arranged a date and time for 'our' presentation. It is in the week where everyone said they don't want to do it, most of them anyway. I hope they have prepared enough. I just need a calm night then I am sorted, which might be impossible - in that case a few nights.
I couldn't concentrate on any big project last night. I really need to find ways of calming myself down quicker. It is really taking too long for the calmness to come back when I finally released the beast. Sometimes I feel more than I should and release less than necessary. It can be tiring. Then with my direct personality; my mum reminded me last night of how tiring that will be; I have to be more than ready to take any criticism and disrespect face on.
I noticed how much I can take on if I suddenly became team leader. It was harder in this presentation sense as all of us were equals. Yet, if I didn't take on the role I wouldn't have known what I can do and what I should do. So, all in all, it was a nice outcome.
2007/02/28
2007/02/27
HELP!!!!!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I have always been capable to coping with stress but today I just felt like I was falling into pieces. I have never felt like that before. Was it due to the music or was it just me being too much of a perfectionist and always complicating things?
I arranged for my team to meet up again today to finish the presentation. There was a suprising turnout. The guy who didn't turn up last time came. He was a bit like a lemon and the things he said made me panic, on top of the fact that me out of all people was late. Then, I didn't allow myself enough time to rearrange the information I had taken in over the past two days whilst trying to explain to him what was going on, which complicated the matter to a much bigger extent. Then everyone kept asking me what they should be doing. I am really wondering what I was thinking or planning? I was hoping for a discussion of our findings like last time but then again the other time was just inputing the information onto a powerpoint. Either way the lack of preparation on their part made me feel really tired. The sudden pressure of supporting them was getting onto me. I honestly don't know what I have taken on. These were some of the reason why I didn't want to become a team leader. I like solving theoretical problems not personnel issues and other people's lack of instinctive thinking. I am glad that we at least of one other guy who's reliable and had actually did some research. I drifted fairly far whilst he actually got the thing straight on. Lastly, we finally agreed to let the others gaggle on while we try to finish it off on the day. That is going to be very stressful.
Now that's off my chest I can finally relax and start on the work that I should be doing.
I just thought of something. I think I know why this time I had an almost nervous breakdown. I was sorting out my application whilst trying to get our presentation sorted. I tend to suppress my panic until I could do so and that panic never was actually expressed as I was forcing myself to focus on the readings I have to do by today; then the shortening fuse was suddenly lit when the unexpected people turned up. That was why!! I know now. Well on top of the fact that I didn't really do much planning. I think I have somehow ended up trusting them not to turn up so that I will do the work myself or otherwise with one or two other people. I really have to stop thinking about it and get some much needed attention on my tutorial and Japanese writing.
I arranged for my team to meet up again today to finish the presentation. There was a suprising turnout. The guy who didn't turn up last time came. He was a bit like a lemon and the things he said made me panic, on top of the fact that me out of all people was late. Then, I didn't allow myself enough time to rearrange the information I had taken in over the past two days whilst trying to explain to him what was going on, which complicated the matter to a much bigger extent. Then everyone kept asking me what they should be doing. I am really wondering what I was thinking or planning? I was hoping for a discussion of our findings like last time but then again the other time was just inputing the information onto a powerpoint. Either way the lack of preparation on their part made me feel really tired. The sudden pressure of supporting them was getting onto me. I honestly don't know what I have taken on. These were some of the reason why I didn't want to become a team leader. I like solving theoretical problems not personnel issues and other people's lack of instinctive thinking. I am glad that we at least of one other guy who's reliable and had actually did some research. I drifted fairly far whilst he actually got the thing straight on. Lastly, we finally agreed to let the others gaggle on while we try to finish it off on the day. That is going to be very stressful.
Now that's off my chest I can finally relax and start on the work that I should be doing.
I just thought of something. I think I know why this time I had an almost nervous breakdown. I was sorting out my application whilst trying to get our presentation sorted. I tend to suppress my panic until I could do so and that panic never was actually expressed as I was forcing myself to focus on the readings I have to do by today; then the shortening fuse was suddenly lit when the unexpected people turned up. That was why!! I know now. Well on top of the fact that I didn't really do much planning. I think I have somehow ended up trusting them not to turn up so that I will do the work myself or otherwise with one or two other people. I really have to stop thinking about it and get some much needed attention on my tutorial and Japanese writing.
2007/02/23
Friday
It will be nice if someone actually told me that they had a lecture at 12pm. Then at least I wouldn't sound so unreasonable. The three words 'I can't come' would have been sufficient!!! Why then nobody actually said it. It will also let me know that they honestly don't care. It also annoys me that two of the more important 'players', only because their results were not duplicated, happened to be the ones who could have said that they couldn't make it. How hard is it? I am extra-frustrated because I am tired, exhausted and not feeling well at all. It is just annoying to the top. I will probably calm down in a bit but right now I am just frustrated. I will have to finish the presentation by myself now. I best press-on.
2007/02/19
Exam results
I picked up my results from January today. I have been avoiding it all last week, but when I finally got the courage to go, he is not in. How lucky am I? I already knew that I killed my exams with the lack of concentration during revision period but at least that gap isn't too far so that I can never get that first honour. I am pretty upset though. To be expected really, I always mess up my exams!!!
I am very emotional and that had been getting in the way of me actually doing my work. People have suddenly became a distraction. I remember in Y13 I practically locked myself up in my bedroom and went through all the text books I had in my house and then spending hours and hours on end working. Now that I don't have to work as much as before this seemed to be making me less enthusiastic about my work. It is pretty annoying but I guess it had to be dealt with. It isn't making it easier with the fact that my dad is hanging around me like a ghost. It really distracts me. Also by acting like a father and not being one from the beginning is making me resent him even more. I absolutely hate him. I would like it very much if he will just live away from me. At least I will not hate him as much.
I don't really like my ex-lab partner, I just noticed. He is a distraction but only because he say things which others wouldn't it made me feel less neglected. I brought it onto myself anyway but what the heck, I probably won't ever see him again after this year.
I probably should get some work done, just so that I can average above 70 by the end of this year.
I am very emotional and that had been getting in the way of me actually doing my work. People have suddenly became a distraction. I remember in Y13 I practically locked myself up in my bedroom and went through all the text books I had in my house and then spending hours and hours on end working. Now that I don't have to work as much as before this seemed to be making me less enthusiastic about my work. It is pretty annoying but I guess it had to be dealt with. It isn't making it easier with the fact that my dad is hanging around me like a ghost. It really distracts me. Also by acting like a father and not being one from the beginning is making me resent him even more. I absolutely hate him. I would like it very much if he will just live away from me. At least I will not hate him as much.
I don't really like my ex-lab partner, I just noticed. He is a distraction but only because he say things which others wouldn't it made me feel less neglected. I brought it onto myself anyway but what the heck, I probably won't ever see him again after this year.
I probably should get some work done, just so that I can average above 70 by the end of this year.
2007/02/13
Day before Valentines' Day
In the last few years I have gotten exceptionally frustrated around this time of year. I can start telling you how I felt since I started taking notice of the day. The first year I was very nervous but happy as I called a guy's home and told him, "Happy Valentine's Day", but not long enough to leave a name. But that friendship also finished then and there, as once he found out he didn't know how to get along with me anymore and vice versa; we were only in year 9 then. The strange thing was the two Valentine's Day after that was pretty normal and I never even thought about it.
Then at sixth form. The first one was excited and nerve-wracking as this time I celebrated it face to face. Even though I ran, I totally regretted wrapping it. It was a small keyring in which I tweaked so that it would be lost easily. There was a little secret with it but I am not going to tell you about it. That was fun but I ran away.......a lot. I was kind of afraid of rejection but that happened anyway the year after that, with the same guy. He is also the reason that why this year and last had been so upsetting. The truth is I am still in love with him. When I see couples holding hands and hanging around I would sometimes think that what would happen if those two had been me and him. If something had been done differently would we have been like that. It really is wrong and you might ask why aren't I with him. I would just have to say I have become too accustomed to calling for him when I needed someone and many many times I was half-way across the world hoping for him to be there. I had become so frail that I don't even know if that was me anymore. Maybe it was just that one expectation that I'd hope he will meet but never did. For those who want to care, that is the confidence to initiate the first conversation and to stop me when I was about to run.
Then at sixth form. The first one was excited and nerve-wracking as this time I celebrated it face to face. Even though I ran, I totally regretted wrapping it. It was a small keyring in which I tweaked so that it would be lost easily. There was a little secret with it but I am not going to tell you about it. That was fun but I ran away.......a lot. I was kind of afraid of rejection but that happened anyway the year after that, with the same guy. He is also the reason that why this year and last had been so upsetting. The truth is I am still in love with him. When I see couples holding hands and hanging around I would sometimes think that what would happen if those two had been me and him. If something had been done differently would we have been like that. It really is wrong and you might ask why aren't I with him. I would just have to say I have become too accustomed to calling for him when I needed someone and many many times I was half-way across the world hoping for him to be there. I had become so frail that I don't even know if that was me anymore. Maybe it was just that one expectation that I'd hope he will meet but never did. For those who want to care, that is the confidence to initiate the first conversation and to stop me when I was about to run.
2007/02/07
First week back from exams
Well I have been spoilt with an excessive Christmas hol. I am now suffering from fatigue with waking up about 4 hours earlier than usual whilst still going to bed at the same time. Even thought the air is fresher now that the front door gets opened more frequently I still feel pretty house-bound. I am definitely more suited to a busy life-style, but the problems is my enthusiasm tends to fade when I don't want them to. Or when I get too enthusiastic I can't really organise the events and thoughts in my head. So yeah, I have been doing nothing to doing something within a day. To make it even more interesting I have a full day off after a full day in doing work.
I probably should be doing work right now, as I am in the University library, but I can't honestly think of what it is that I should be doing. Yes, there is the Hard and Soft Acids and Bases journal from 1963 sitting beside my computer keyboard but there is the internet! I am tempted to go on games websites, I confess that I am addicted to them. I have somehow found what I was supposed to do right now and had been doing that for the past 15 minutes or so. Therefore it is a short bye for now.
I probably should be doing work right now, as I am in the University library, but I can't honestly think of what it is that I should be doing. Yes, there is the Hard and Soft Acids and Bases journal from 1963 sitting beside my computer keyboard but there is the internet! I am tempted to go on games websites, I confess that I am addicted to them. I have somehow found what I was supposed to do right now and had been doing that for the past 15 minutes or so. Therefore it is a short bye for now.
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