Well it is actually 27 days but anyway it´s still a long time.
I´m kind of missing a good home-cooked meal. I haven´t really had a good hot meal for a while. The best ones were either the Doner Menu in Trier, or the 3 Nürnberger mit brot in Nürnberg...oh the hotdog in Munich, outside one of the Modern Art Galleries were pretty good too...and of course McDonalds...the obvious reasons being that thery were either cheap or I wasn´t going into as much museums as before so I had a bit more money at hand. I´m seriously wanting some meat though.
I don´t know what this trip meant but after almost three weeks travelling alone and finally getting to the more isolated countries, Scandinavia, I´m beginning to think about all the things that I tried so hard to forget about. It is now so much easier after having that much needed break. Well that required firstly getting back to a fairly normal life, ie. working in a Summer School, which got me back to bubbly spirit, then the actual break. There really isn´t any point in going on holiday on a depressed mind, that will only make matters worst. I understood that in Japan as everytime I went away I was hoping to get away from it all and because as such I never wanted to go back to work. However, this time I left in a much lighter spirit and this break really worked as helping me get ready to face my destructured world again...and maybe after this I will finally have the courage to accept someone into my life and actually start dating. I know that I´m attractive even in European Society so why should my past ruin my present life.
I´m starving right now by the way. I quite like bursting out random things at strange occassions. Sometimes I get shouted at for being ignorant of the situation or disrespectful but sometimes I do it for the complete opposite reasons. I don´t want to face reality, that´s what I´ve understood about myself over the span of the past three weeks. I like living in a fairytale and I´ve got all the reasons for doing so.
Anyway, I best get going. Internet fees applied here.
2008/08/29
2008/07/17
Feeling Strange
I had a proper date last night. It wasn't like any of the before. I knew full well that I was going onto one and there were no uncertainty of whether the guy liked me or not. I didn't feel any pressure or stress. It was very normal but somehow it just didn't feel right.
I can tell you just how strange it was. I wasn't excited or nervous about it or even curious where he was going to take me. Apart from the thought that if he did anything weird I will immediately leg it I hardly thought any other things about it. Another thing, he was the oldest guy that I had a date with. He was mature, sincere, ideal, but somehow I feel sad around him. I wanted to cry before the date, felt really heavy when I was about to go. I didn't let that affect the date too much but once it was over they all came back even worse than before, and now they are still lingering. I guess by talking to him too much of the bad memories came back. I don't deny the fact that I felt comfortable with him and the sense of security was very strong and he could be someone I could go long term with but that was only logical thinking. With my experience in Japan I understood more about myself. I don't just need maturity or a sense of security I needed some spontaneity too, just enough to make me forget some things rather than being reminded of it for a short while. A little break from all the things that are haunting me.
I can tell you just how strange it was. I wasn't excited or nervous about it or even curious where he was going to take me. Apart from the thought that if he did anything weird I will immediately leg it I hardly thought any other things about it. Another thing, he was the oldest guy that I had a date with. He was mature, sincere, ideal, but somehow I feel sad around him. I wanted to cry before the date, felt really heavy when I was about to go. I didn't let that affect the date too much but once it was over they all came back even worse than before, and now they are still lingering. I guess by talking to him too much of the bad memories came back. I don't deny the fact that I felt comfortable with him and the sense of security was very strong and he could be someone I could go long term with but that was only logical thinking. With my experience in Japan I understood more about myself. I don't just need maturity or a sense of security I needed some spontaneity too, just enough to make me forget some things rather than being reminded of it for a short while. A little break from all the things that are haunting me.
2008/01/21
I'm giving up on men....
....until the end of my placement anyway.
So yes, everytime I'm on here is about men. We really do live on different planets. Anyway, my reasons are really complicated. Most of the men around me likes me. I flirt and it gets complicated. I don't like explaining...so there are lots of confusion. Well how can I explain something when I don't even know why the bloody hell I do some of the things I do. The biggest problem that I have is that I have an in-built fear of men and their betrayal. I also have a conscious and emotional mind which keeps battling each other out, sometimes one wins, the other times it loses.
With some things that went on back home my concious mind had been losing a lot over the past few months which led to some of the strangest things that I did. There were also some things that went on at work which accentuated the confusion in me. I wanted the distraction so much that I went to almost any length to get it.
My supervisor had liked me for a while, he's not a play-boy but dates around a lot...he just gets dates easily. At my lowest, well squashed to an all time low, he was there for me. As a result I've formed an attachment but I don't really like him that way. Actually, I only found that out last week when I've abandoned him when he was asking for my care and attention. He dislocated his collar-bone AND caught the flu...again. When he told me that his neck hurt I wanted to help him out but I wasn't a physiotherapist or masseuse and there was a chance that I could do more damage then help. There was also the fact that I was pretty beaten up by the several falls while skiing in Nozawa. My left knee is still not functioning like before after twisting it in the same place twice within 48 hours. There was also the reason that he IS my supervisor. My future and reputation is on the line. I didn't care when I've finally succumbed to his kindness and attention because I was already so beaten up mentally but the truth is I can't. Unlike some people, I am now the person who is responsible for my family. My mum and brother now depends on me. My brother not so much but the bond is too strong for me not to be ready for when he needs it. I can't let my love-life ruin my future. There was also the fact that his jealousy made me feel safe and calm with him, however, I am still learning how to respond to someone I might not love but have a little feeling for. I wasn't ready to have an open relationship with someone I just couldn't give my all to yet, more importantly he's STILL my supervisor. So I think the distance now is good. I know that it makes me a bit lonely and neglected and I might not get the same opportunities as before but I've finally calmed down. I just want to keep this calm for a while longer.
There was a fairly good looking guy at work too who likes me too. To be honest I like him a little back. He always greeted me with a warm smile and had always been enthusiastic when he saw me. Sometimes just seeing him cheers me up. I've hurt him, too, indirectly though. He is a friend of my supervisor's who just happen to work with us too, though via a different company. He doesn't speak much English and I had trouble remembering his name pretty early on. He avoided me at first but we are gradually getting over it. I got really mad at him when he was hiding away and though he never said it I knew it was my confused actions that had injured him so I didn't force myself or him to face me. Though I kept my manners unless he was purposely ignoring me. I've thought numerous times of resolving that misunderstanding but what's the point. It's already gone to stage where everything is already too complicated and the main point is he and my supervisor are very good friends. I would like it though if we could at least have a meal together sometime. I've been out in one form or another with all the guys I know here apart from him so it will be nice just to complete that pattern.
Thirdly, the student that I went on a 'date' with, though I never intended it to be one...I'm always so slow on those sort of things. I didn't really care that much when that one thing I did ended up hurting him too. Yeah I was depressed but it didn't seem to hurt him as much as it did to the other guy. Possibly because I've kind of hinted that I wasn't interested from the start...and the stupid disappearance of the American which was the main cause of that 'date' going downhill even though I've tried at times to go with it. Anyway, he's coping well with it.
Then lastly, the American...I'm still in love with him though I've already learnt to let go. He's an ass and still very much a kid. He couldn't honestly hold my pieces together when I might break again and more importantly I'm still just a guy, translator and company to him. Nothing more. Just two and a bit more months then he will be gone, back to Texas. We will go our separate ways then that will be the end. I can make it. In the meantime, I will stay the fool when I couldn't be bothered to hold back or am unconscious of what my actions meant.
So....yup....I am still going to be the never dated girl at almost 21.
So yes, everytime I'm on here is about men. We really do live on different planets. Anyway, my reasons are really complicated. Most of the men around me likes me. I flirt and it gets complicated. I don't like explaining...so there are lots of confusion. Well how can I explain something when I don't even know why the bloody hell I do some of the things I do. The biggest problem that I have is that I have an in-built fear of men and their betrayal. I also have a conscious and emotional mind which keeps battling each other out, sometimes one wins, the other times it loses.
With some things that went on back home my concious mind had been losing a lot over the past few months which led to some of the strangest things that I did. There were also some things that went on at work which accentuated the confusion in me. I wanted the distraction so much that I went to almost any length to get it.
My supervisor had liked me for a while, he's not a play-boy but dates around a lot...he just gets dates easily. At my lowest, well squashed to an all time low, he was there for me. As a result I've formed an attachment but I don't really like him that way. Actually, I only found that out last week when I've abandoned him when he was asking for my care and attention. He dislocated his collar-bone AND caught the flu...again. When he told me that his neck hurt I wanted to help him out but I wasn't a physiotherapist or masseuse and there was a chance that I could do more damage then help. There was also the fact that I was pretty beaten up by the several falls while skiing in Nozawa. My left knee is still not functioning like before after twisting it in the same place twice within 48 hours. There was also the reason that he IS my supervisor. My future and reputation is on the line. I didn't care when I've finally succumbed to his kindness and attention because I was already so beaten up mentally but the truth is I can't. Unlike some people, I am now the person who is responsible for my family. My mum and brother now depends on me. My brother not so much but the bond is too strong for me not to be ready for when he needs it. I can't let my love-life ruin my future. There was also the fact that his jealousy made me feel safe and calm with him, however, I am still learning how to respond to someone I might not love but have a little feeling for. I wasn't ready to have an open relationship with someone I just couldn't give my all to yet, more importantly he's STILL my supervisor. So I think the distance now is good. I know that it makes me a bit lonely and neglected and I might not get the same opportunities as before but I've finally calmed down. I just want to keep this calm for a while longer.
There was a fairly good looking guy at work too who likes me too. To be honest I like him a little back. He always greeted me with a warm smile and had always been enthusiastic when he saw me. Sometimes just seeing him cheers me up. I've hurt him, too, indirectly though. He is a friend of my supervisor's who just happen to work with us too, though via a different company. He doesn't speak much English and I had trouble remembering his name pretty early on. He avoided me at first but we are gradually getting over it. I got really mad at him when he was hiding away and though he never said it I knew it was my confused actions that had injured him so I didn't force myself or him to face me. Though I kept my manners unless he was purposely ignoring me. I've thought numerous times of resolving that misunderstanding but what's the point. It's already gone to stage where everything is already too complicated and the main point is he and my supervisor are very good friends. I would like it though if we could at least have a meal together sometime. I've been out in one form or another with all the guys I know here apart from him so it will be nice just to complete that pattern.
Thirdly, the student that I went on a 'date' with, though I never intended it to be one...I'm always so slow on those sort of things. I didn't really care that much when that one thing I did ended up hurting him too. Yeah I was depressed but it didn't seem to hurt him as much as it did to the other guy. Possibly because I've kind of hinted that I wasn't interested from the start...and the stupid disappearance of the American which was the main cause of that 'date' going downhill even though I've tried at times to go with it. Anyway, he's coping well with it.
Then lastly, the American...I'm still in love with him though I've already learnt to let go. He's an ass and still very much a kid. He couldn't honestly hold my pieces together when I might break again and more importantly I'm still just a guy, translator and company to him. Nothing more. Just two and a bit more months then he will be gone, back to Texas. We will go our separate ways then that will be the end. I can make it. In the meantime, I will stay the fool when I couldn't be bothered to hold back or am unconscious of what my actions meant.
So....yup....I am still going to be the never dated girl at almost 21.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)