late in the night

It hadn't been that long since I last had an entry here. Well firstly it is official that everyone around me are paired, even my little brother who should have been concentrating on his A-levels. Well it HAD been long over-dued anyway. My two best friend are finally going out with the right guy. It had been a big confusion and just needed a little pushing but they are nearly there. Then there is me who is still very stubborn. I had a chance with a law student who was graduating soon, but I didn't want to think about it. Then, it had been the most stressful few days I had ever had, after that very first Valentine's Day with my three-year crush anyway. Well you can say that I threw away one great future but it didn't matter because what he may be able to achieve in the future I am just as capable of doing the same. (It helps too as my crush was a medical student.) I still think it is rather a shame that just one lunch would have been enough to lose a friend. It is a shame that I hadn't met him before I started loving someone. You may say that I am regretting it now, as I did build the brick wall, but there are other guys out there who interests me. Firstly there is this guy in my tutor group, his ancestry is definitely not English but that is not important; my three-year crush was Arabic, no other race or ancestry can be any worse than that, but then again he wasn't a traditional Muslim - I don't honestly think that he is one too but that really depends on how good my observation skills were. Got a little side-tracked, then there is my ex-lab partner this year who I know will never happen, but it don't hurt to hope. He treats me like all my male friends did before KES which made me feel at home. He teases me a lot and gets on my nerves sometimes but it just wouldn't happen, he is way too popular to give me the security that right now only my little brother could give me. It is quite strange I know but what do you expect when he had been the only guy ever to look after me when I needed someone the most..........since very young........and had always been the one to sort out all the problems in the most light-hearted way. There is also another funny thing I had noticed about myself around my ex-lab partner, it is either I had matured and just calmed down, I don't fight back or argue back to him. I just let him say what he wants even if they sometimes were personal. Actually thinking about it might just be because it came from the mouth of a guy. My male friends back at my first secondary school said similar types of annoying comments and I just fought back. I can't remember how though. I got angry with one or two but I am not sure if I ever just let them say what they wanted. Anyway, over the past few weeks the guy in my tutor group kept coming up when i thought about likely mates. It had got something to do with the dream I had but dreams are always a reflection of what our heart and soul are thinking about. There were two guys in that dream, and one of my best friend, but only that guy from my tutor group was a clear figure. so that is probably why I had been so fixated on asking him out. Like the last guy I tried that on, three-year crush - well it wasn't really called asking out(!), I will mess it up and my words will get cluttered. It started off just like now though that other guy was more in the foreground than the background. So, I am not going to try anything again. He did reply to my season's greetings which made him a more attractive choice but he might just be polite as opposed to all the other 15 or so guys and gals who I've sent those messages to. I was feeling a bit strange that day I sent it so I wasn't really expecting a reply anyway. There was one other guy but he is disappointing me a little and the honest truth is I don't find him attractive only because his enthusiasm to find friends annoys me. I am desperate for someone to give me that hug but just not THAT desperate. Then there is another guy who I have messed up so much that it really isn't worth going back to. Well I feel really guilty for what I am doing to him now. I give him a little hope then I ignore him as if a friend like him is some big secret. I really don't know what the hell I am thinking. I just know that I am annoying him very VERY much. But he spends quite a lot of time closely sitting behind me in lectures which is making me feel more pressured into keeping a distance. I don't honestly know why I keep doing things like this. Well the excuse that I had been saying to myself was that they don't honestly want their friends to know they have a friend like me, but I had been his facebook friend from way back in the beginning which felt a little contradictory.

I really miss my Arabic crush. It will be interesting to see how I will feel when we meet again after I started going out with someone, which will not happen soon. I know that he is still on English soil and not anywhere near the battlefield where his homeland may be. That's all I needed to know. He is safe here in Sheffield and is still well. I am grateful that the heavens had given me the chance to see him one last time before I move on. I wish him health and happiness.

New Year, New Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE, to those who are reading this anyway. Like always everyone would start with a New Year Resolution. Mine............get good exams results, meaning lots of revision........and hopefully say bye bye to singledom, only because my two best friends are sorted - kind of - and so is my brother. The honest truth is that might not happen this year either since I am a little retarded, in the classic sense.

My dad has finally gone away. I am relieved. It may sound terrible but last night I was really upset, NOT because my dad was going today, but because my mum was all alone in hk cleaning the apartment as she was bored and I really missed Ayman. I couldn't stop thinking about him last night. I have never felt so lonely than over the past two weeks. I kept going through the list of guys who I might ask out even though that will never happen as I know the wrong choice will probably mess up my already struggling mind trying to focus on work.

Anyway it should be best if I just keep my New Year "events" coming as they like. Whatever I plan never comes out as I want it anyway.