Feeling Strange

I had a proper date last night. It wasn't like any of the before. I knew full well that I was going onto one and there were no uncertainty of whether the guy liked me or not. I didn't feel any pressure or stress. It was very normal but somehow it just didn't feel right.

I can tell you just how strange it was. I wasn't excited or nervous about it or even curious where he was going to take me. Apart from the thought that if he did anything weird I will immediately leg it I hardly thought any other things about it. Another thing, he was the oldest guy that I had a date with. He was mature, sincere, ideal, but somehow I feel sad around him. I wanted to cry before the date, felt really heavy when I was about to go. I didn't let that affect the date too much but once it was over they all came back even worse than before, and now they are still lingering. I guess by talking to him too much of the bad memories came back. I don't deny the fact that I felt comfortable with him and the sense of security was very strong and he could be someone I could go long term with but that was only logical thinking. With my experience in Japan I understood more about myself. I don't just need maturity or a sense of security I needed some spontaneity too, just enough to make me forget some things rather than being reminded of it for a short while. A little break from all the things that are haunting me.